More Firsts

As long as we’re on the topic of firsts, I may as well discuss a couple of mine. Well, I can’t say anything about the first blowjob I gave because I honestly don’t remember much of it. I know that I was 18. I know that it probably sucked (unintentional pun!).

I remember the first time I had sex. I was very upset. I was 18 and it was with my first ‘real’ boyfriend (the same guy who got the blowjob). Yes, I was old – an adult, even. I wasn’t holding out for ‘the one’ or anything like that, I just went through an extremely long ugly phase. Anyway, back to what I was saying – I was mad. It wouldn’t go in. We must have attempted it ten times. He was met with a wall; I was met with pain and embarrassment. I remember him stopping one time, telling me that he felt like he was raping me.

I cried about it a lot.

What the hell was wrong with me? It’s not like I didn’t want it to happen. I did, badly. I was 18, in love and ready to get it over with. I tried everything. Intense foreplay. Different kinds of lube. Near-excessive amounts of alcohol. Distracting myself. Concentrating.

When it eventually did happen, I was left with thoughts along the lines of, “That was it?” and “I guess it gets better.” Unfortunately, it didn’t. It took me well over a year (if not two) before I started enjoying sex. I cared about the guy I was with, but I don’t think I liked myself very much.

I was shy. I’d dim the lights in flattering ways, cover my boobs when I could, never let him get a good look at my ass. I was more preoccupied with what I thought he thought of me than with enjoying the moment.

Thankfully, things have changed. If any lessons can be learned from my experience, they are the following: don’t be bummed if it doesn’t go in (I looked it up and as much as it sucks, it appears to be pretty normal), use lube, lube & more lube, don’t expect your first time to be earth shattering and of course, love yourself.



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