I have the worst stomach of all time. It drives me crazy! It’s always hurting (like right now). I found this post I’d written for an old, personal blog about a year ago. I know, I know, this is recycled material, but in all fairness, no one read that blog anyway. I wrote it after I saw an ass doctor. Here you go:
I just farted about five minutes ago and holy shit, it still smells so bad. I wouldn’t normally write about this but I’m both surprised and impressed by the duration and intensity of this scent. I think it’s because of the new pills I’m taking. As some of you may know, I have stomach problems. I have a constant tummy ache. After years and years of pain, I decided to finally deal with it. This week, I went to a butt doctor. I was very nervous. A coworker convinced me I had tapeworm. I didn’t know of this tapeworm he spoke of, so I Googled it. Good lord, it is disgusting. I became obsessed with the thought that I had it. I went to the doctor’s prepared to admit to my gross problem. The waiting room was filled with the city’s elderly population. Everyone was easily four times older than me. I was also surprised because though I’m sure this doctor has loads of money, his office did not reflect it. The waiting room was equipped with what was possibly the first AM/FM radio ever invented. His secretary was using a typewriter. The fake plants were covered in dust. I eventually heard my name called and went in. The doctor was a nice man that asked me lots of questions. He wasn’t able to diagnose me based on my answers, so he brought me to the examination room. He told me to get into somewhat of a fetal position, with my face directly facing a wall and my bare ass directly facing his body. As he prepared to insert his finger, I was like, “Don’t do it, I have to go to the bathroom. You’ll get poop on your finger!” He assured me that he has his finger in poo like, all day. So he stuck it in and I made faces that expressed my discomfort. Then, oddly, he put his finger in my face, proudly showing me that it was clean. He continued speaking to me for an awkward amount of time, with my ass in his face. I interrupted and asked if I could pull my pants up. He said he had to wipe me first. I found this very unpleasant. I told my dad and he was outraged, saying that the doctor is supposed to leave while you wipe yourself. Apparently, wiping is an intimate act. Anyway, he prescribed me some Apo-Chlorax pills that I have to take 4 times a day. The first day I took them all regularly. They made me feel like I had to poo. And for the first time in my entire life, I sharted! I don’t really have a funny story about that because I was on the bowl. Still, I was shocked. Anyway, I kind of stopped taking the pills after that. I’m trying to get back into it because I want to be cured. Whatevs, at least I don’t have tapeworm.