As some of you may know, I intern at Vice Magazine. My job description is pretty much limited to researching and writing for the blog, but for the Fashion Issue, I was assigned a little something extra. My best friend and I were to go to the Salvation Army and pick out one week’s worth of hideous clothes for the other to wear. We were to sport these repulsive outfits for seven consecutive days with no exception – whether you were at work, a bar, or even a church, you had to wear whatever your friend picked out for you. So we did it. Unfortch, our article didn’t make it to print because of a production error in the New York office. Maybe that was a lie and our article just sucked. Whatever, we’re posting it here anyway. All the pictures were taken by my buddy Robby. He’s awesome. Before we start, here is a photo he took of me holding an ugly skirt.
So without further ado, here are our ugly clothes diaries. Maria Donna’s is first.
DAY 1 – Purple Pants & Multicolored Paint-Splattered Blazer
That day I went to visit an apartment. I met my boyfriend in front of the place and the first thing that came out of his mouth was, “You look like Barney.” We rang the doorbell and when the landlady opened the door, I shook her hand and said, “Hi, I’m not crazy! I know this outfit is ugly”. The woman stared at me and replied, “I hadn’t noticed”.
DAY 2 – Furry Shirt & Purple Pants
I have a confession to make: I really like this shirt and I plan on wearing it with leggings and boots in the future. Not only is it pretty, it’s also warm and very needed during shitty Montreal winters. However, it seems I’m the only one who appreciates this shirt. I asked my boyfriend if he would accept a blowjob from me wearing this outfit and he said, “NO.” Also, when I went to visit my parents that day, my mother asked me if I needed money to buy clothes. My boyfriend refused to bring me out for supper.
DAY 3 – Leopard Skirt & Multicolored Paint-Splattered Blazer
This was a Monday. Taking the subway that morning was not as bad as the previous days; I just looked like a girl with bad style instead of a crazy person. When I got to work, I took my jacket off. I immediately noticed a few coworkers peering over their computer screens. I figured, “I could deal with these minor stares”. The thing is, after a few hours of people trying not to make it obvious that they’re staring at you, you kind of become paranoid. I started looking for people staring at me so I could stare back at them and defy them with my eyes.
DAY 4 – Green Velvet Dress
I’m starting to get used to feeling ugly and being whispered about. I wore this dress with thick black stockings, a vest and a pair of nice boots, hoping that it would create some sort of “edgy” or “hip” look. I was wrong. I ended up looking like the office wench. This dress was too small; so small that the bust line was cutting the bottom half of my tits. I had an Italian class that evening, and I was a bit embarrassed of my outfit so I kept my vest on. The problem is, I was really hot, and I started getting really sweaty so I had to remove the vest. But velvet sticks to any type of fabric, so I had struggle to take the vest off and when I did, everyone (including the teacher) was staring because I was moving around so much.
DAY 5 – Leather Pants & Plaid Blazer
This outfit made me look my mother in 1992. The pants were so high, they went 2 inches above my belly button. All in all, this look got the least stares. I actually think an older, French female coworker liked what I was wearing. My dog also seemed to really appreciate this getup; he kept on following me around the apartment and whenever I would sit down he would sit next to me and lick my pants. I learned that leather pants make you sweat a lot.
DAY 6 – Leather Pants & Bow Shirt
I have very broad shoulders and this shirt was just way too small for me. The sleeves cut the circulation in my arms and I thought that the seams were gonna bust open at any moment. I got so fed up with it that I cut open part of the sleeves, which resulted in me looking even more fucked up. That night, we went to a bar, which was very packed. As previously mentioned, leather pants make you sweat. This was by far the shittiest night of my week. I felt so ugly and out of place and I was dying of heat. When I got home, I realized I got a heat rash from the pants, so much so that my boyfriend had to help me Zincofax (a cream for babies’ asses) my legs.
DAY 7 – Leopard Skirt & Bow Shirt
Friday. The last day I have to wear this crap. I looked like a pile of barf. At this point, my colleagues were used to my clothes but I still caught a few of them glancing at me once in a while. What pisses me off the most today is the fact that our office organized a jean day. We very rarely have a jean day at my work, and I had to miss out because of a leopard skirt and a puke coloured blouse. On a brighter note, the landlord called us back and we are signing a lease tomorrow.
Now it’s my (Melissa’s) turn.
DAY 1 – Frilly Pink Top & Red Striped Pants
I’m not mad at this outfit. I got some weird looks in the metro but I think that was because I was sitting next to an empty 40 and a condom wrapper. I was also carrying two big garbage bags, which probably didn’t help. I went out for supper and was asked why I was dressed like a jester. This is going to be an interesting experiment.
DAY 2 – Lilac Pants & Purple Blazer
I wanted to get this ill-fitting blazer out of the way immediately. My boyfriend refused to touch me, saying I smelled like old skin and looked like a sleazy Grimus. Sticks and stones, people.
DAY 3 –Lilac Pants & Hot Pink, Sparkly Turtleneck-ish Top
This is starting to get embarrassing. It’s Monday so I wore this outfit to work, despite our office dress code. At first I acted as though nothing was up. I casually asked coworkers how they were doing. As soon as I sat down, though, I noticed the jig was up. Every single person, including my two bosses, was staring. My outfit was torturing their eyes. I contorted my body to fit as much of it under my desk as possible.
DAY 4 – Wooly Sweater & Maternity Pants
I’m starting to think Maria Donna hates me. The outfits so far were somewhat bearable but she finally cracked me. I’m visibly uncomfortable. Yesterday’s expressions on coworkers’ faces were that of shock, but today they appear to be that of pity. To make matters worse, these are maternity pants. I tried sticking my gut out all day, but they fell down twice. Luckily, this oversized, disgusting sweater covered my (appropriate) granny panties.
DAY 5 – Dress
Some relief, finally! As unsightly as this dress may seem (it looks like it belongs in a Billy Ray Cyrus video), it’s a total gem compared to the rest of the crap I had to wear. I asked my mom what she thought of my outfits and she said she hadn’t noticed anything different. Shocked, I showed her everything Maria Donna picked out for me. She genuinely did not appear to grasp that these clothes are hideous. Based on most of what she’s got in the closet, I have to say I’m not surprised. Sorry, Mom.
DAY 6 – Red Striped Pants & Weird Wool Top
I’m so bummed. I smell like a walking fart. Despite washing this top twice, it still stinks like a hobo swiped it between his butt cheeks. Gross. I went to a bar with Maria Donna and we were socially outcast. I downed several Irish carbombs to get me to loosen up. After about an hour, I could no longer maneuver the pants’ weird built-in belt and made my boyfriend unbuckle it for me every time I had to take a piss.
DAY 7 – Blue and Green Striped Pants & Pink Fur Top
By far the worst outfit of them all. These pants are so loud I’m pretty sure I heard them taunting passersby. The top is really tight and made from some sort of completely non-breathable material and I ended up sweating my way through the day, hiding my big pit stains. I almost wish I was one of the interns who got the Gross Jar. I’m so glad this is over!
Last but not least, I’d like to mention that boy BFFs had to do this as well. Group shot!
-Melissa & Maria D