Monthly Archives: July 2009

You’re So Vain (I Bet You Think This Post Is About You)

I don’t go out as much as I used to. It got to a point where getting drunk and doing drugs got mundane and repetitive. Partying at the same bars, hearing the same [lame] music and making fake conversation with the same people got on my last nerve.

I started getting sick of it on one particular outing. It was a Saturday at some club, a couple of years ago. That night, it dawned on me that certain people aren’t partying to be with friends, meet new people or even get laid. No, some people go out to post pics of themselves on Facebook or Myspace the next day, thereby oddly upping their social status. You might think I’m crazy, but I know I’m not. I’ve discussed this theory with a few of my friends and they’ve all noticed and agree.

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Vodka-Soaked Tampons

Every girl loves to have a couple of drinks on a Friday night (TGIF, you guys), but most girls swallow them with their throat, not their vagina. Still, this vodka-soaked tampon thing has apparently become such a trend that I’m surprised Tyra hasn’t dedicated an episode to it yet. I first read about it a little while back; the geekazoid in me likes to post on an all-girls (or mostly girls) message board, and this topic was brought up. Basically, if it wasn’t clear already, ladies are soaking tampies in alcohol and sticking them up their vag.

I looked it up and there’s some dispute as to whether this is an urban legend or not. Please. I can guarantee you that many curious fools have tried this. And I actually totally understand why: you get drunk faster. It’s like when you have a yeast infection. If you shoot Monistat cream up yourself, you feel near-instant relief. If you take oral medication, the pain can take hours to be eased. In this case, the booze gets immediately absorbed by the vagina’s membranes, which allows it to enter the bloodstream faster. And then you’re drunk! Yay!

Oh and boys, don’t feel left out. The trick works rectally as well.

I personally don’t get how this is possible. I mean I get the ends, but I don’t fully understand the means. When a tampon has absorbed anything (be it blood, vodka, whatever), it gets all big and fluffy. And like certain other things that I won’t bother naming, tampons are easiest to insert when they’re stiff. How do you get it up there when it’s all smushed and dripping? Seems messy. And painful. I get the feeling that vodka in your vagina would really sting.

I wonder who does this. I assume it’s ~wild college kids~ and alcoholics. I have to say, though, if I knew for a fact that it was amazing, wouldn’t burn like hell and would leave my vaginal tissue fully intact, I might want to give it a shot. Just to test it out, you know. I think I’ll talk Maria into trying it for all of us.

But be careful, Maria, because according to this guy, you might crack your head and die. Sorry.



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Jerking Off All Over The Place

A guy who lives on my boyfriend’s street jerked off outside this past weekend. Neighbors caught him in the act. Because it wasn’t the first time they found him mid-stroke, they called the cops on him. So now I think he has some sort of record for indecent exposure. And get this: the other times they caught him were in his grandmother’s backyard, who lives down the street. The guy is 22. That’s fucked up. I’m scared he’s gonna turn into a predator.

You might not think that people who masturbate in public make for an especially big issue, but they kind of do. Nearly every girl I know has a story (or in my case, several stories) to tell about it.

When I was 15, I was waiting at a bus stop. I heard noises coming from the bushes behind me. You know where this is going. I turned around and a guy was going at it ferociously while staring at me. I hadn’t even seen a live dick before (thanks for ruining the surprise, asshole). My jaw dropped. I remember how uncomfortable I felt.

A year or so later, I was walking home mid-afternoon and surprised a guy whacking off behind a pine tree. He looked startled, but instead of pulling his pants up and running away, he continued. I’m the one who ran away.

My experiences are tame compared to Maria’s. She was walking home one day, in her high school uniform, when she noticed a guy sitting on a nearby stoop. He looked at her funny. She was like whatever and started turning the key to get into her house. That’s when she heard him ask, “Excuse me, what time is it?” She turned around and he had his pants around his ankles. He said something corny like, “Come on, baby! It’s seven inches!” while jerking it. Maria was all, “WTF? You perv” and ran into her house. He was about 26.

Something is obviously wrong with these people. Like, something mental. But is stroking it outside a disease? It’s definitely deviant sexual behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if these masturbators suffered sexual abuse in the past – but that doesn’t excuse their making totally innocent girls feel violated. Yeah, I felt violated, even if there was no physical contact involved. 

The world may be a better place if everyone followed Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s lead and started beating people who jerk off in public with sticks. Actually, that might make the world worse. Hmm. Maybe therapists could wander the streets, diligently searching for men tending to their hard-ons, and offer them emergency sessions.



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Anal Answers

Note: there’s some graphic shit (sometimes literally) in here.

The first time I ever considered having anal, I was absolutely turned off. Really, the closest I had come to it was having a finger jammed up my butt by surprise during sex. I was drunk and pretended to like it.

ass-venturaMy ex used to bring it up all the time. He claimed he was just kidding, but I always suspected that deep down inside, he desperately wanted to backdoor me. We never went through with it, though. I guess I never fully trusted him. Seriously, it takes an outstanding level of trust (not necessarily commitment or love, but trust) to let someone ram it in your ass for the first time.

Years later, I met my current boyfriend. One day, we found ourselves on his couch, a little bit tipsy. We’d been dating for two or three months and were totally hot for each other. I think we were in the midst of a sloppy make out session. You know, the ones that start off with watching TV all innocently but end up in dry humping so hard that your underwear is chafing your vag. We couldn’t have sex because I was ragging it so he proposed anal. You’d figure he’d rather deal with a bloody cunt than a shitty asshole, but whatever.

So, I ran to the bathroom, took in a deep breath and shoved a soapy finger in my bum hole. It came out clean. Thank God; I could just imagine getting crap on my boyfriend’s penis after only 2 months of dating. How mortifying would that be?

The trick is to start slow. I mean, you can’t expect to slap on some lube and just shove it in. No, it’s more like chug half a bottle of cheap wine and then it’s one finger at a time until your hole gets more and more dilated (gross, I know).

After a bit more fingering, he’ll be like, “Are you ready?” That’s when, in your best pseudo-porn star voice, you whisper, “Do it.” Then you shut your eyes real tight and stop breathing for what seems like forever. Of course, that may be your initial reaction, but not breathing and clenching your muscles is actually the worst thing you can do. You need to stay calm and relaxed to allow for a smoother insertion. It wasn’t so bad for me. I didn’t bleed, but you might.

Once he’s balls deep, you’ll start feeling like you’re taking a reverse shit. You’ll immediately pull back, half expecting a turd to come sliding out. Thankfully, there should be nothing. Once he sticks it in again, it’ll be kinda hard to enjoy yourself, as the whole time you’ll be paranoid you might poop.

The experience doesn’t feel particularly good or bad. I mean, there’s a specific sensation, but I’m not sure how to describe it. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to cum from it, so to make things a little more enjoyable, I suggest having a vibrator handy.

If you don’t own a vibe and you’re fed up because anal isn’t providing you with that climax build-up you’re looking for, you can switch from ass to vag, but do it carefully. If for some reason you aren’t using a condom (which you most definitely should), he needs to wash his dick really well. If you are using a condom, he’ll need to get a new one. It might kill the moment but the last thing you want is to inadvertently get poop particles in your twat; that’ll almost surely make for a nasty infection.

So in all, I’ve done anal three times. Once, there were some brown smears on the condom. If that happens to you, don’t freak out, it’s normal. You can’t honestly expect the dick to come out clean every single time. Plus, the guy knows what he’s getting himself into and probably half-expects it. He’s sticking his dick in a shit tunnel, come on.

My advice to you is this: if you’re curious, try it. It hurts, but the pain is tolerable. Just remember to use a lot of lube, and none of that scented crap or “tingling sensation” stuff (take it from me, it burns). If you aren’t ready, don’t allow yourself to get pressured into it. Not everyone is interested in getting butt fucked (hi, Melissa), and that’s fine. Sexual limitations are personal, and you should define them at your own pace, rather than someone else’s or a porno’s.

-Maria D


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Me Vs The Silver Army

Right now, I have my period, six little pimples (I counted), I’m working an 11-hour shift and I just found my second grey hair. This all happened about a minute ago. I went to the bathroom to tend to my pimples and I noticed it. A long, silver strand that caught the reflection of the light. It looked all flashy. I’m convinced this thing is taunting me.

What am I supposed to do about it?

A friend found my first grey hair two years ago, at 22. It was right in the middle of my bangs. So I plucked it. It grew back. I plucked it. It grew back. What’s the deal here? Can it not grow back brown? Now I’m stuck plucking it all the time. And let me tell you, it’s hard to pluck a hair off your head without ripping 20 others out. They’re all clustered together.

So I attacked this new grey hair with all my might. I couldn’t get to it, though. The other hairs are protecting it. It’s become some sort of force field that I just can’t break through. I had to let it win.

I could probably dye it. I’m torn about that. I really damaged my hair as a teen (due to massive amounts of pharmacy bleach and Manic Panic) and I’m finally back to my natural color. At least I think this is my natural color. I can’t be sure.

There’s only one option left, I guess. I’m going to look up a spell on Google to cast these grey bastards away once and for all. Brace yourselves, silver wisps.



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For The Italian Stallions

Note: you probably won’t get any of this unless you’re from Montreal. Or New Jersey, possibly.

bootWe recognize that this post has the potential to be offensive so we’d like to preface it by stating that we’re both Italian ourselves. We cherish our heritage and value our culture. In fact, we love being Italian and wouldn’t have it any other way. However, we’re totally sick of the stereotypes that go along with it. Some losers are giving us a bad rep.

If you so much as slightly suspect that we’re talking about you, then we probably are. Seriously. Think people love Italians as much as you assume they do? Think again. Fuck, even we hate you and we’re one of you.

So we’re staging an intervention. We’re going to comment on different aspects of your life in hopes of getting you to act like a decent human being. Our collective reputations can be saved, people. You can do it!

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Why do girls purposely hit on guys with girlfriends? My boyfriend and I went out Saturday. We were talking and having a nice time. OK, we weren’t exactly doing body shots off each other, but it was pretty clear that we were together. Two girls were standing around next to us. I eventually had to pee so I left him at the bar. I stood in line outside the washroom and within a few minutes, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. It was my boyfriend. I asked him what he was doing there, and he said that as soon as I left, the girls next to us started hitting on him. He felt weird and decided to come meet me. 

Bitches. They saw us together. I’m not furious or anything (mainly because I trust that nothing would happen anyway), but my boyfriend left so quickly that he forgot to take my drink off the bar. They owe me a vodka soda!

I have personally never in my life hit on someone with a girlfriend. I think it might be acceptable under certain circumstances – like if you were in love with your best friend of ten and a half years and his girlfriend was treating him like shit. Fine, in that case, go ahead. But when two people appear happy, why get in the middle of it? I don’t understand women like this.

It’s like that episode of Seinfeld where George tries to pick up women with the ol’ engagement ring trick. Wait, is that an actual episode? I only vaguely remember it. I may have made it up. Nonetheless, my point is that I guess married men seem more appealing. After all, they clearly aren’t afraid of commitment and they must have some pretty damn fine qualities if another woman decided to conceivably spend the rest of her life with them. But if the guy is willing to cheat on his wife or girlfriend with you, what makes you think he won’t end up cheating on you with someone else?

I guess I’ll never fully understand why women throw themselves at these guys. How horny can you be? I’d go as far as calling this a matter of respect. As women (and human beings in general), I think it’s only fair that we should respect one another. There are single guys out there, I promise. Find them.



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