I was riding the metro on my way to work Saturday when it happened: I witnessed the most horrific public display of affection to ever have pained my innocent eyes. An extremely large couple was going at it. Don’t get me wrong – their size had little to do with my disgust – but for the sake of setting the scene, let me describe this couple to you. They could not fit on the two seater bench; the man was hanging on by less than an ass cheek. The woman had pigtails and a too small tshirt with Ernie from Sesame Street and music notes on it. The man wore beige cargo pants with really stuffed pockets. What do men even put in there? Anyway, I remember him being so visibly greasy that when he stuck his face between his girlfriend’s boobs, grease marks stained her tshirt. Yes, he motorboated her in public. I tried not to stare but her giggles sent shivers down my spine.
I’m going to be negative here but fuck it – couples, stop showing the world you love each other. We don’t care. Some of us are lonely and jaded and heartbroken and want to kill you with our eyes. I know you’re probably in the beginning stage of your relationship and everything feels like rainbows and galloping unicorns but you don’t need to express your total & oh-so complete happiness all over the place.
This may be a little obvious, but I’m not a big fan of PDA. Though I don’t mind seeing people hold hands, I don’t like doing it (plus I have a germophobe thing going on with hands; you should see the routine I have to go through when dealing with public washrooms), I don’t like making out at bus stops and I don’t like cupping my boyfriend’s ass through his back pocket. Why do you?
Sure, certain affectionate acts are acceptable, but when it comes to confined areas like the metro, can you guys please not dry hump while I’m trying to read? Can you not lick each other’s faces while I attempt to catch some Zs? Can you be like, I don’t know, the least bit considerate of those around you?
Here’s to hoping.