Two people requested this, so due to overwhelming demand, I’ve decided to compile a list of pretty ladies. Unlike the boys’ list, I’m not posting any Youtube videos. That takes a while and I’m lazy. All you’re getting is photos. Don’t worry, though! Since I think exaggerated airbrushing makes starlets look better than they do (I mean, they look good in the first place! Why turn them into impossible beings?), I’ve decided to give you a little something extra. I’m going to post two pictures – one candid and one from a magazine or a movie poster or whatever. These ten women manage to look beyond ridiculously hot either way.
#10 – ZOOEY DESCHANEL
Hmm, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to add Zooey or Katy Perry to the list. It’s true that they look quite similar. Katy seems about a gazillion times more annoying, but strangely, she appears to be someone I might get along with. Zooey seems a little boring. Still, this list is about looks and Katy paints her face a little too much for my liking, so Zooey wins.
The clever lighting and photoshopping are working in Zooey’s favor, but there’s no denying that the girl is gorgeous. Her hair is always perfect and her eyes are always shining and my face is always grimacing with jealousy – like in that unfunny movie with Jim Carrey where she rides a scooter. I want a scooter. Curse her.
#9 – KIM KARDASHIAN
This has been said over and over but I’m gonna say it again: Kim Kardashian has a huge ass. I’m not really into butts (they poop), and I don’t know if hers is natural, but regardless, she isn’t on this list for her back side. She’s on it for her every side. Fuck, she even looks good when she burns:
What a perfect mix of Armenian, Scottish and Dutch.
Of course, her ass remains what she’s known for. It’s what shows up when you start typing her name into Google. While looking for photos of her, I came across a message board comment that read, and I quote, “I would suck a fart out of that ass and hold it in like a bong hit.” Intense.
#8 – MEGA(n) FOX
Girls always shit all over Megan Fox but it’s because they’re jealous. Yes, she has sort of bad skin. Yes, she’s had plastic surgery. Yes, she says a lot of dumb things. How does she live with herself?
Please. Everyone needs to get over it. Granted, Megan always has this trashy chic thing going on that reminds you more of a porn star than a classic beauty, but she works it. I noticed that she’s never, ever photographed with girl friends. So Megan, if you’re reading this (I know she’s not but let’s pretend), I’d like to apply for the position: I like to think I’m funny, I make a mean mojito and I would only mooch off you a little bit. Call me!
#7 – FREIDA PINTO
Freida played Latika, the QT pie from Slumdog Millionaire. I hadn’t heard of her before the movie, but she’s obviously a total babe.
Her frame is so tiny and alluring. It makes me feel like a big monster. Freida apparently auditioned for the role of Bond Girl in Quantum of Solace – Olga Kurylenko got it. She’s pretty and all, but they should have taken a chance on Freida. Then maybe I would have watched it. Actually, that’s not true. I don’t really like those movies.
#6 – GWEN STEFANI
What a charming family! Gwen has always been adorbs – she wears whatever the fuck she wants and somehow pulls it off. Oh, and she has flawless skin, amazing abs, the ability to wear red lipstick without looking horrible, somewhat of a beautiful voice, etc.
I feel like the public has really watched Gwen grow up. That sounds creepy but it’s not meant to. She’s 40, I believe, and I think she’s aged elegantly (does the bitch even have a wrinkle?). I want to be her. OK, that sounds creepy, too. Sorry.
#5 – NATALIE PORTMAN
I’m not usually into Natalie’s style (because it’s bad), but I would wear every single thing she’s got on in this picture. She looks amazing. I love the fact that she’s never had one of those Hollywood starlet breakdowns, too. Oh, and another reason she’s on this list – she has a fucking Harvard degree. Can you say that about yourself? Me neither.
She has a bit of a Mia Farrow meets Audrey Hepburn (meets unfortunate doily dress) thing going on in that picture. I like it. Natalie’s ultra delicate features make her naturally gorgeous. Did you see her with a shaved head? Girl doesn’t even need hair to look good.
#4 – ROSARIO DAWSON
I’ve always had the biggest girl crush on Rosario. She’s both cute and outrageously hot. She was apparently discovered while sitting on her front porch in New York City: Harmony Korine asked her if she wanted to be in a movie (that movie, of course, was Kids). When will someone discover me? I sit around all the time.
In case you’re wondering, and I know you are, Rosario is Afro-Cuban, Puerto Rican, Native American, Irish and Sexy.
#3 – SCARLETT JOHANSSON
This admittedly isn’t the best candid photo of Scarlett (those shorts do nothing for her), but it does show her figure. I love that she isn’t waif thin, but at the same time, she has a perfect hourglass figure, and that’s even harder to attain than being super skinny. Oh, and I didn’t know she had her septum pierced. This for some reason makes her a tiny little bit more interesting.
Who isn’t staring at that peekaboo boob right now? Jesus. I forgot what I wanted to talk about. Oh yeah, Scarlett recently released an album of Tom Waits covers. I heard a few songs and they surprisingly weren’t awful, but maybe that’s just because my expectations were so low. So, uh, way to go, Scarlett, I guess.
#2 – LIV TYLER
Look at her being all cute with Orlando Bloom! Liv is definitely someone that I respect – I like the way she dresses (comfortably but not frumpily, stylishly but never over the top), I like a couple of her movies, and I like the fact that she seems like a genuinely happy person. Also, I really like her hair. Her thick, gorgeous hair that I wish I had.
Liv spent over a decade ignoring that Steven Tyler (Aerosmith, duh) was her dad and that Mia (who is also quite beautiful, by the way) was her sis. Seems like a tough experience, so I can only hope it made her stronger.
#1 – MONICA BELLUCCI
OK, so my number one choice probably isn’t much of a surprise. Monica is the ultimate everything. THIS WOMAN IS TURNING 45 YEARS OLD! She looks better at that age than I do at 24. She’s considered the most beautiful woman in the world by many, and with reason.
Holy shit. Monica is cultured, she’s all natural and she has a rack made of amazing. She’s no stranger to acting and posing nude (and why should she be?), so I’m sure you can look up X-rated clips and photos if you so choose. I could have done it, but I liked the above photo better.
Honorable mentions: Eva Green, Bar Refaeli, Marion Cotillard.