How Not To Hit On Girls

Being an average (or slightly above average, depending on where you live) looking girl, I’ve had my fair share of guys hit on me. I’ve always been a sort of magnet for crazies, so my experiences range from somewhat pleasant to downright terrible. In hopes of fending off creeps, I’ve developed a furious case of bitch-face. It shouldn’t be this way. If you want women to remain approachable, there are certain things that, as a guy, you simply should not do. Here they are.

Before I start, you might be thinking that this whole post reinforces the stereotype that guys should make the first move. That’s a valid point. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with girls hitting on guys. In fact, most welcome it. Trust me. This post just isn’t about that.

So without further ado, here are certain points that you must absolutely keep in mind before even attempting to hit on a girl.

-Don’t honk at them
There is something instinctively repulsive about a man who honks at women. It basically screams, “I eat Doritos all day long and wipe my fingers on my mother’s couch” and, “My underwear has skid marks”. Women are attracted to neither of these qualities. In fact, these are big red flags. I’ve personally always thought that honkers are man babies.

-Don’t brag about your past sexual conquests
Granted, most women love juicy gossip. In fact, they like to hear sexy tales from just about everyone. Everyone but the person trying to sleep with them, that is. Attempting to reel a girl in by bragging about what girls you’ve fucked and where you’ve fucked them is weird. If your number is so high that you’ve lost count, good for you, playboy, but we don’t wanna know. Save stuff like that for your buddies who can subsequently high five you or whatever.

-Don’t look like these guys:
Looks matter and knowing that you spend so much time carefully crafting yours grosses us out. Being a guido might have been cool in seventh grade but grown women are over it. Ditch the hair gel, the excessive cross necklaces, the sunglasses at night and the fake tan. Yes, even the fake tan. I realize that may be the hardest thing to part with, but you have to. Also, stop having better eyebrows than us.

-Easy with the drinks
Girls like when guys buy them drinks. It’s sort of a compliment, but more importantly, none of us want to spend $7 plus tip on a vodka soda, or worse, $14 on one of those fancy martinis. So when a girl accepts your drink, keep in mind that it doesn’t automatically mean she’s into you. It probably just means she’s cheap. If you wanna save your hopefully hard-earned dollars, there are signs you should look out for: if the girl thanks you, then turns her back and immediately talks to her friends, move on. If the girl brings all her friends in, clearly hoping you’ll buy them all a round, forget it. In fact, if the girl chooses to talk to you for less than a couple minutes (and uses an excuse along the lines of, “Sorry, GTG, my friend is puking”), you should just give up.

-Don’t be too forward
Girls in Montreal are wildly attractive. I know. So if you get a little hard looking at one on the dance floor, does that mean you should grab her from behind and rub your dick against her ass? No, it doesn’t. Please stop doing that. On behalf of all the girls in the city, I beg of you. If you’re going to hit on someone, at least let them see your face. Being too aggressive is a huge turn off. I remember one time, Maria and I were drunk and eating $2 noodles at 3 a.m. on St. Laurent. A guy began talking to her and without warning, started feeding her. She tried to resist but couldn’t manage. He ended up smearing peanut butter sauce everywhere. It looked like someone had diarrhea all over her face. It was repulsive.

-Watch your mouth
You might mean well, but approaching a girl and blurting out things like, “Do you know who I am?” and “Yeah, you’re kind of hot” will get you nowhere. Do you even realize what you’re saying? If you’re trying to sound cocky, then good job, you’ve perfected your craft – but if you’re genuinely a nice guy, then your loser friends have steered you wrong. Oh, that’s another point.

-Don’t force us to hang out with your loser friends
Almost every guy has a buddy that a girl is guaranteed not to like. Ironically, the circle of friends often likes this guy best. He usually has an unfunny nickname based on an inside joke (“The Machine” or “Sticks” or something), emits an odor that you can’t quite put your finger on, microwaves all his meals and farts on command. We will stand this person for no more than ten minutes. After that, you’re on your own.

Someone should make this list into an Iphone app that men can download and keep with them at all times. I’ll probably write an opposite list eventually (How To Hit On Girls), but for now, I must go to work. Good day!




Filed under BAD BANGS

5 responses to “How Not To Hit On Girls

  1. Don’t look down to us because we’re women should be one of them
    My ex use to tell me stupid-ass comments like “Girls don’t belong in bars,” which resulted in him and I never walking into bar together, not even for my birthday after days of convincing.

  2. Alex

    When Vanessas not around I eat dorritos on the couch and wipe my hands on my skid marked underwear that I have not changed since friday morning because Im lazy on the weekends. I then pick my nose and feed my boogers to Vito. Sometimes I watch SEXTV and get a semi hard on but never masterbate on our couch because that would be sacrilege. I also pee in the bathtub because I am sometimes too lazy to aim…

    I must be pretty repulsive. Sorry babycakes

  3. minchione 08

    Bars are a place to go and chill with da guys. You wanna party, go to da club and shake ur ass a little.

  4. Nicole

    Bah-haaa. This is all too familiar.. I too have perfected the bitch-look to ward off potential losers. I have myself a very good catch, and I don’t need some lame-ass pickup line to ruin my day.

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