I’m not really good with words or writing. Well, Melissa thinks I am, but I don’t. Maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know, I think I’m more of a one liner type. I’m a really good story teller in person, too. That probably explains why I don’t write for the blog as often as I’d like. I have great ideas but when it comes to writing them down, I’m easily distracted. So I’m taking the easy way out. I’ve decided to compile a list of funny moments, weird thoughts, opinions and quotes.
One thing I like to do is text Melissa the grossest things I can think of. I know she appreciates this stuff. Plus, her office is sort of like a call center, so I’m always hoping she’ll read one of these when she’s on the phone and start laughing. Here are some gems I’ve sent her:
“I need to buy undies I perioded on them”
“I took the hugest dump at my nonna’s in florida and the water level of the bowl was so high that it almost overflowed. My poop was too big for the hole so I emptied half a bottle of tilex hoping it would eat away at the turd. I took a shower and then plunged it down.”
“I’m pretty sure my feet smell like salt n vinegar chips.”
“When I puked in Florida I could still make out the rapini.”
“Oh god I farted the worst ever fart, it smells so bad!”
“Wearing pads gives my vagina paper cuts.”
On high school girls & their hotness:
“There was one on the bus who rolled her skirt and had this one huge run in her nylons and she kept trying to fix it and her jacket kept opening and you saw her midriff. I swear if I were a guy I’d have a boner.”
Am I insane? Do any other girls do this to their BFF? I’ve noticed that the frequency at which I send Melissa gross text messages is very high. She’ll send me a disgusting text like, once every few months. I try to average a couple a day! Is this embarrassing?
Speaking of embarrassing things (and moving on from texts), I recently realized that I do something specific when girls are trying to poop in public washrooms. Basically, when I know there’s a girl in a stall trying to take her morning dump at work, I over extend my visits. I know that she’ll hold in her shit until I leave. I thoroughly enjoy making her feel uncomfortable. Knowing that if she squeezes too hard, she might let one rip and be really embarrassed satisfies me immensely. And if it starts to stink, you bet your ass I’m gonna start popping some pimples. I don’t know why I do this. It’s really creepy of me but I get a thrill out of it.
I also have a desperate crush on pubescent Hasidic Jews. One of my most secret fantasies (well not so much anymore) is to deflower a 16 year old Jewish boy – possibly in a synagogue. There’s something about those innocent curls and those yamakas (yarmulke?) that really turn me on. I hope no one will take offence to this. I’m not trying to insult anyone; I’m just sharing my dirty secrets.
Well, I guess that’s all my lazy ass can muster for now. I hope you all enjoyed and hopefully I didn’t freak anyone out too much.