Jerking Off All Over The Place

A guy who lives on my boyfriend’s street jerked off outside this past weekend. Neighbors caught him in the act. Because it wasn’t the first time they found him mid-stroke, they called the cops on him. So now I think he has some sort of record for indecent exposure. And get this: the other times they caught him were in his grandmother’s backyard, who lives down the street. The guy is 22. That’s fucked up. I’m scared he’s gonna turn into a predator.

You might not think that people who masturbate in public make for an especially big issue, but they kind of do. Nearly every girl I know has a story (or in my case, several stories) to tell about it.

When I was 15, I was waiting at a bus stop. I heard noises coming from the bushes behind me. You know where this is going. I turned around and a guy was going at it ferociously while staring at me. I hadn’t even seen a live dick before (thanks for ruining the surprise, asshole). My jaw dropped. I remember how uncomfortable I felt.

A year or so later, I was walking home mid-afternoon and surprised a guy whacking off behind a pine tree. He looked startled, but instead of pulling his pants up and running away, he continued. I’m the one who ran away.

My experiences are tame compared to Maria’s. She was walking home one day, in her high school uniform, when she noticed a guy sitting on a nearby stoop. He looked at her funny. She was like whatever and started turning the key to get into her house. That’s when she heard him ask, “Excuse me, what time is it?” She turned around and he had his pants around his ankles. He said something corny like, “Come on, baby! It’s seven inches!” while jerking it. Maria was all, “WTF? You perv” and ran into her house. He was about 26.

Something is obviously wrong with these people. Like, something mental. But is stroking it outside a disease? It’s definitely deviant sexual behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if these masturbators suffered sexual abuse in the past – but that doesn’t excuse their making totally innocent girls feel violated. Yeah, I felt violated, even if there was no physical contact involved. 

The world may be a better place if everyone followed Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s lead and started beating people who jerk off in public with sticks. Actually, that might make the world worse. Hmm. Maybe therapists could wander the streets, diligently searching for men tending to their hard-ons, and offer them emergency sessions.




Filed under BAD BANGS

2 responses to “Jerking Off All Over The Place

  1. GiGi D`Agostino

    maybe girls should stop wearing those tights which basically give you a good indication of whats going on below the equator. Its what i call- street porno.
    I bet if guys were walkinga round wearing super skin tight garments showing their meat monocle, we would be hearing alot more stories of women publicly petting the swollen beaver.

    On second thought, lets keep that.

    whack away crazy johnny.

  2. badbangs

    ughh i know you’re just kidding but i hate when women are blamed for things like this. it’s not because a girl is wearing a miniskirt that it’s ok for guys to masturbate at the mere sight of a little leg. trust me, that’s not what we’re going for.


    p.s. i like the term meat monocle! it doesn’t really make sense, but i like it.

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