Hangover Hell

I hate sloppy drunks. If you’re sweating, cross-eyed and wiping little chunks of barf off the corners of your mouth, and you somehow manage to see me in the club, do not approach me. I do not wish to be spoken to. Just pretend I never accidentally made eye contact with you in the first place. Unless I’m really drunk too, that is. In that case, come see me; we can bond over how wasted we are.

bday 051Generally speaking, going overboard isn’t sexy. I can safely say that because it’s all I did for about three years. I drank like my life depended on it. Wait, that makes me sound like an alcoholic. Well, I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I drank a lot. One time, I woke up with dried blood on my forehead, bruises and only slight memories of the previous night – falling to the ground, having a stranger pick me up and barfing in a mystery bucket. In the morning, my concerned mother asked me if I’d been raped. I’m pretty sure someone put something in my drink, but I’d had tons of alcohol (and certain drugs) anyway, so I can’t be positive.

I’m sorry, that story was a total bummer. On the bright side, I’m now the hangover cure queen. Actually, I’ll be honest: I rarely got killer hangovers. I was so used to being wasted that sleeping off those two 40s came fairly easy. Still, they happened often enough for me to take note of which solutions work and which are crocs of shit. So here’s what you need to do (or not do) before, during and after your boozefest. You’ll thank me one day.


Don’t go in on an empty stomach
I like drinking on an empty stomach because I get drunk faster and then I spend less money. I’m very cheap. The trick is that I know what I’m doing; I realize I haven’t had anything to eat since lunch so I don’t overdo it, in case that thing happens where a huge wave of drunkness hits you all at once. If you’re prone to barfing, you need to line your stomach with some carbs. Eat bread or pasta or something before going out.


Prep yourself
If you’re the kind of person who gets a hangover after having had two beers, you should have some water between each drink. You won’t get drunk as fast (which blows), but you won’t feel like a zombie in the morning. You can also have a tall glass of water before going to sleep – if you’re like me, you’ll be much too drunk to remember to do this, so keep a bottle of it by your bed.

The sweeter the alcohol, the worse the hangover
If you’re looking to get hammered, don’t bother with girly drinks. It’ll take you longer to get drunk, it’ll cost you more and it’ll make for a very painful morning. Amaretto and Southern Comfort are probably the biggest assholes when it comes to that stuff. Oh, and once, I threw up a big, gelatinous, black puddle of Jagermeister. And I mean only Jagermeister; no chunks of food or anything. My liver was angry that night. Really, you should stay away from anything dark, sweet and thick.

Go for this:

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Not this:


Barf a little
Just go for it. Stick a couple fingers down your throat – or have your BFF do it – and you’ll feel better after. You’ll stink, but you’ll feel better. Some people are even able to drink again after a little casual puking sesh. To be honest, I’m not one of those people. If I barf, I’ll be passed out until roughly the following evening, but I know people who swear by this trick.


This one’s a no-brainer. Get as much sleep as you possibly can, even if it involves sleeping next to someone you won’t remember having gone to bed with. Your body needs rest, and keeping it going with Redbull or caffeine instead of sleep will only make that headache worse.

Drink something
Yes, drink something – but not alcohol. That hair of the dog thing doesn’t work. If you recently puked and you take a shot of Jameson or whatever, you will almost definitely throw up again (in my experience, anyway). Because booze dehydrates your body, it’s extremely important to replenish it. My all time favorite hangover cure is drinking lots and lots of Gatorade. That shit works. It has these little electrolyte guys in it that dance around your liver and magically cure you. Seriously, Gatorade is to your hangover what fancy chocolate is to your PMS.

Eat, but only if you think you can stomach it. I love a greasy breakfast after a night of drinking (partly because I love a greasy breakfast after a night of anything). I’m so hungry right now. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. If your hangover is so  bad that you’re contemplating suicide, stick to things that are easy to digest like bread.

bday 063

This doesn’t work for me (mainly because I have no interest in getting out of bed when I’m hung over), but some people swear that excercise makes you feel better. It’s something about sweating out the toxins. Personally, I don’t want to sweat them out – I want to pee them out, poop them out and even barf them out, if necessary. Anything that doesn’t involve working out with a pounding headache is cool with me, but I suppose if I weren’t so lazy, I’d try this exercise thing out.

Hopefully these tricks (which I’m sure you knew of already, but whatever) will help cure you. In case they fail, here are a couple more: once you’re feeling up to it, call one of the friends you drank with. Sometimes they’ll have awesome, gossipy stories from the previous night that you can’t remember, and you’ll be like, “OMG! I made out with him?!” This will momentarily take your mind off your hangover. Also, I find that showering helps a little. It’s soothing.

Do you guys have any other cures?




Filed under BAD BANGS

4 responses to “Hangover Hell

  1. Nicole

    I can second that gatorade cure.. Gatorade is a panaecia for upset stomachs. Also works wonders when you have food poisoning.

  2. The sauna! But I don’t mean a kind of luke warm German sauna experience, but a proper steaming Finnish one! You should heat the it to about 100°c and just sweat it all out. Also great because you get clean simultaneously. Do drink a lot of water though.

    I’ve also found that for some odd reason pickle juice helps. I usually have some rye bread with sliced pickles on top and wash it down with some pickle juice. Yummmeee!

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