How To Talk To Women

Reading women can be hard. I lost count of how many times a male friend has shown me a text message from a girl and been like, “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?” The truth is, I have no idea. Not all women are upfront and honest about their feelings; some enjoy playing mind games, others are scared of getting hurt. I know this seems like a lot to handle but fear not, my babies, I’m here to help. Well, maybe. I can’t tell you how to talk to all women, but I can tell you how to talk to some women. Like me. And Maria.

Fat Talk
Most girls will at some point complain about their weight. They might not flat-out say, “I’m a fat ass.” Instead, they’ll say something like, “I think I gained a few pounds.” Even if this is true, under no circumstances are you allowed to reply with, “So join a gym.” You might think such a comment would be helpful and supportive, but you’ll just make her feel bad. What you need to say is, “I think you’re beautiful.” Say it like you mean it though, we can tell when you’re bullshitting.

The same concept applies when she refuses to eat that second cupcake. If she’s all, “No, I can’t eat it, I’m huge,” you need to pick that thing up and feed it to her like you were feeding grapes to a fucking goddess. Expressing that you’re comfortable with our weight, whatever it may be, makes us feel sexy. And that makes us want to fuck you. It’s a win-win.

Friend Talk
Once you’re in that friend zone, there’s very little chance of you getting out. When we say that we like you as a friend, we usually mean it. So don’t make it awkward by hitting on us. I mean, that’s the whole reason we stuck you in the friend zone: because we don’t want to sleep with you. Occasionally, romances do blossom out of friendships. That’s cool and all, but if the girl isn’t responding to any of your signals (we pick up on body language you may not even realize you’re emitting, by the way), then give up. There’s a name for friends we like to have sex with: boyfriends. If that title doesn’t apply to you, then enjoy the friendship for what it is; a platonic relationship, not a challenge.

Routine Talk
Long term relationships can get old fast. Some people strive for that comfort, reassurance and daily ease; others think it’s really boring. With the secret I’m about to reveal, you won’t have to waste any time arguing about how every day is the same. Are you ready? Yes? OK, here it is.

It is my personal belief that surprises hold relationships together. I’m not saying to spoil or pamper your girlfriend. It’s not about the money, it’s about the surprise itself. Just the fact that you thought of us while we were apart makes us smile. Buy us a pair of tickets to see our favorite band (we’ll take you, anyway), write us a cute note, bake us cookies, etc. It’s not hard, really.

Favor Talk
Sometimes we’ll ask you for a favor. It might be driving us to factory outlets or going to visit our mother. These are things you dread so of course, your answer is, “No, I can’t.” Then our face gets all pissy and you’re like, “Fiiine.” Then we’re like, “No, you don’t want to, forget it.” And then an argument starts.

Doing favors for one another sucks because it always involves doing shit you hate. You need to understand that all relationships involve sacrifice and compromise. Favor talk is tricky, but even if you’re hellbent on avoiding the task at hand, try giving in to it in exchange for a blowjob or something. We don’t mind trade-offs.

Telephone “I Love You” Talk
We know you hate admitting that you love us when you’re with your boys (or whatever you call them). They’ll probably laugh and say that you’re whipped or that you’re a pussy. That’s because they’re idiots. We understand, though, and we don’t want you to feel bad because of their dumb remarks. So when we’re on the phone and you’re with other people, you don’t have to say that you love us all the time – but man up and say it some of the time. Just let it out once in a while. It means a lot to us.

There you have it. In most cases, the way to talk to women is to be honest but not brutally honest. We don’t want you to sugarcoat everything you say; we just want you to think before you speak.

-Melissa

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “How To Talk To Women

  1. Janet

    That’s a great post! I have lots of friends who play games with their boys, it drives me nuts! My roomy is a male and he often asks me what his girlfriend is trying to say to him, and I have NO idea. Long ago, I decided that being upfront about it all is better than not, If my boyfriend asks me anything I will be honest about it. I wouldn’t want him going out wearing an ugly ass shirt or whatnot so I shoot him straight whatever the conversation is about. I think it’s better that way, there are no surprises and we are quite happy about that.

  2. “…try giving in to it in exchange for a blowjob or something. We don’t mind trade-offs….”

    lol

  3. Nicole

    Funny you should mention the fat talk.. A couple of years ago, I gained some weight.. And to me it was damn noticeable. And I had said something along the lines that I had gained weight and felt gross to my boyfriend.. And what did he tell me.. JOIN A GYM!
    And he still, to this day, tells me to go to the gym every time I say I feel blaah. How nice eh.

  4. GiGi D`Agostino

    as much as a girl tries to be “up front” they are never really 100% honest. Guys as well.

    Like when a girl says she is “bored” ina relationship, or lacks excitement. A regular guy will just kinda shrug it off and think the girl is on the rag, but the truth is deep down inside she is think ” WTF this guy is a boring piece of shit, we always do the same stuff, i am bored, i wanna break up with him but i dont know how”.

    Just like when girls ask a guy, “can i do anything else different in bed?” the guy always says no. But the reality is, there is always room for improvment, but no guy is gonna say ” yah can you watch this video called Anal Busters and call me in a week”.

    We are all liars, manipulators, scared, and not matter how often you tell yourself you are honest, you arent. Imagine a world where everytime you had an emotion you were sharing it with your significant other? It would be chaotic.

    Just a humble opinion.

    • badbangs

      totally agreed. i meant i’m honest in that i can tell a guy if i like him (without having to dance around it and make him jump through stupid, needless hoops).

      but yeah, i agree with you. sometimes we’re not fully honest because we care about the other person too much to risk hurting them. or we’re scared of being judged.

  5. Janet

    I JUST had this convo with my man last weekend. I asked “can i do anything else different in bed? Is there anything that you would like to try” And he gave me his honest opinion on new moves he would like to try, and I did the same. It didn’t make me feel bad or anything, I was up for the challenge and I was glad he was honest with me. I know sometimes it can get boring in the bedroom doing the same thing over and over again so I am excited to try some new things with him.

    • badbangs

      that’s cute. i don’t think i’ve ever asked that question without getting a “no, everything is cool” answer. i like to assume that everything IS cool, though. hopefully.

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