Monthly Archives: September 2009

Alt Porn

I am extremely ambivalent towards porn. God knows how many arguments I’ve had with past boyfriends and their late night habits. Porn is cheesy, laughable and usually unrealistic.

I love SexTV and they often have segments on feminist/alternative porn. I was curious and decided to check it out for myself. So here’s my Top Alt Porn Picks, a collection of amateur & fetish websites. As you may have gathered by now, this post is obviously NSFW.

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My First Male Stripper

Our friend Nicole encountered her very first stripper peen this weekend. She was awesome enough to write about her experience and send it over to us. Now you get to read about it, too. Thanks, Nicole! Oh, and feel free to share your own stripper stories in the comments.

copI have never seen a male stripper before, only females. My female stripper experience happened once upon a time on a drunken adventure in Tijuana, but that’s a completely different story. My first male stripper experience happened this past weekend. You’d think it would be on a night out with the girls, right? Think again.

First off, let me set the scene. My boyfriend and I had just finished work. We met up with my mom at the terminus in Brossard. Once my dad picked us up, we were on our way to Chenoy’s for my aunt’s surprise birthday party, with all our family and friends. Intrigued and confused yet? Keep reading.

Allow me to clear things up by providing a detailed description of the birthday girl. She can pound ’em back with the best of them; she can polish off a 2-4 and still stand straight and have room for another 12 pack. Did I mention she’s 4’10” and 100 lbs soaking wet? She’s quite the wild one, and fun as hell.

So my uncle decided to throw her a big surprise party in the restaurant’s hall. The place was a decent size. We had our own wait staff, bar, dance floor and DJ… the works. And my entire gigantic family was there; even cousins of cousins. There was free wine on the tables and beer was flowing. They actually had to rush to get more beer ’cause we were pounding them back so hard.

After dinner (which was pretty good, to my surprise), my family played a slideshow for my aunt. It included a montage of lovely and sometimes embarrassing photos. What’s a 40th birthday party without those? We were laughing, we were singing, we were dancing, when all of a sudden…

The room went black.

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Hiba’s First Poutine

There are four food groups in Quebec, but they’re a little different from the ones you learned about in school. They consist, in order of importance, of: fries, cheese curds, gravy and Pepsi. Yeah, poutine is pretty much unavoidable here. Even our McDonalds’ serve it. Since I’ve entered this world, I’ve indulged in countless of these babies. They’re delicious at all times; so delicious that New Jersey decided to rip us off and “invent” Disco Fries. Bastards.

Hiba has lived here for two years. The other day, she randomly admitted to me that she’d still never had poutine. I couldn’t believe it. I asked her why and she said, “Because it looks like a heart attack.” Um, yeah, it does look like a heart attack, but does that mean you shouldn’t eat it? No. So in addition to inviting Hiba to her first concert, I decided to take her for her first poutine. Our destination? La Banquise.

She seemed pretty excited when I met up with her. She said that regardless of how it looks, she’d heard good things about poutine and more importantly, she was hungry. La Banquise can pretty much do no wrong in terms of fries, gravy and cheese, but I still wondered if she’d actually like it.

I assumed she’d play it safe and go for the original kind, but she took a walk on the wild side and opted for the Frank Poutine (I think). It has sausage in it.

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Big Vaginas

I thought this needed to be done as a parallel to the penis size post. Guys sometimes defend themselves by adamantly claiming that it isn’t their dick that’s too small, it’s their lover’s vagina that’s too big. I guess that seems like a plausible argument. Especially when Larry David delivers it.

Based on the clip, it’s pretty clear that the nurse has a gigantic vagina, but in all fairness, Jeff doesn’t really seem like he’s packing a particularly big one, either. Plus, he fucks retards. Wait, this post isn’t about Curb Your Enthusiasm. What was it about, again? Oh yeah.

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Does Size Matter?

There it was, on the third page of this morning’s Gazette, staring up at me in big, bold letters – a headline asking, “Does Size Matter?” Interested, I read on. Sadly, it turns out they were referring to the number of kids in a classroom. I did what I assume everyone who attempted to read the article did: I walked away and got a bagel. I felt duped. They led me to believe they’d be talking about penises.

Nonetheless, my curiosity was piqued. I asked a few of my girl friends if they thought size mattered (and yes, in this case, I’m talking about dicks) and they all hesitated and said no. Liars! The answer is yes.

I mean, it’s not like we’re hunting for rare sausage. Most women are more than happy with an average size and actually prefer girth to length. Problems tend to arise when you’re seriously lacking in one or both departments.

If you’re fooling around with a girl and she reaches for your crotch and feels that you’re packing a really small one, she’ll be disappointed. I can guarantee you that. But will she leave? No. Well, probably not. See, we care about penis size, but it’s not the only thing we care about.

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OH MY GOD

On most weeks, I like to write a WTF Friday post in hopes of momentarily distracting you with something that’s at least somewhat weird (duh), light and maybe even a little funny. Well, I’m not doing that this week. Forget it. This week, you’re getting totally grossed out. I came across something so revolting that I literally gagged as I scrolled through it.

Now, you need to realize that I look at gross shit online all the time. I have this twisted curiosity that I just can’t ignore; an urge I must satisfy. But what you’re about to see broke me. I couldn’t handle it.

I mean, now that I’ve seen it, I’m going in for a closer look and cracking jokes about it, but that’s just my own sick nature. I’m not sure how you’ll react.

I’m not gonna re-host the pictures because I feel like they’d get deleted, but click HERE to see what I’m talking about.

OK, fine, I’ll be nice and warn you beforehand: based on the comments, it’s some sort of mortuary procedure. They’re calling it a cannibal BBQ though, and I think I like that term better. Let’s go with that. Plus, it reminds me of when Dee and Charlie eat human meat on It’s Always Sunny.

-Melissa

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Happy 10,000 Views, Bad Bangs!

nydance

Melissa and I started this blog in May on a whim. We never expected to get more than a couple of views and maybe one or two comments. But four months later, here we are with 10, 000 views and a shitload of comments.

Thank you to all our faithful readers. We love all your comments, feedback and emails. Keep it coming!

-Maria D & Melissa

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