Public Bathroom Blues

We love getting emails. And compliments. Emails that include compliments are twice as good. Reader Leslie Nikole recently wrote to us in hopes of finding out why women can’t use  public bathrooms without making a gross mess.

First of all, I love your blog. It gives me something to do beside count the number of mutated spiders that climb around in my classroom’s corners. It also makes me happy that you’re Montrealers, it’s like we have some kind of common ground.

germsAnyways, since you’re older and in university, I wanted to know if the disgusting shit I see in my high school bathroom (I’m in Sec 4/Grade Ten, thank God I’ll be outta there soon), used pads and tampons and their wrappers thrown all around the floor will also be a common hazard when I go to college/university? And what should I do about it in the meantime because the janitors (ha!) don’t clean for shit? Am I gonna be stuck holding my pee or what?

( , just in case you’re interested.)

A youngin! I feel like an old fart now but I will advise you nonetheless. I know you’re hoping that my answer will be positive and reassuring, but unfortunately, it’s not. Women of all ages are disgusting. Especially when it comes to toilets.

I remember when I first started disliking public restrooms. In elementary school, we had designated pee breaks. The whole class had to go. One day, in fifth grade, I noticed that this cool girl refused to piss at school. I was like, “What’s up with that?” She frowned and said that the school’s toilets are disgusting. I thought about it and realized that they were. They were very disgusting! Wanting to be like the cool girl, I held my pee in. That afternoon, I had an oral presentation and pissed my pants in front of the whole class. The cool girl laughed at me. I then realized that as sickening as the toilets may be, I had to suck it up and use them.

High school wasn’t so bad. I was lucky enough to have gone to a very strict, private school (wow, I never thought I’d say that). Girls there had manners and even if they didn’t, the janitors were well-paid.

I later attended college. It was Dawson, if you’re curious. Because college courses are set up in a way that almost surely differs from your high school’s, you may find yourself with extremely long days followed by really short ones. That means that your whole pooping schedule will be off. You might even have to shit at school. Luckily, I don’t remember Dawson’s washrooms being particularly unclean. Even if you were to accidentally sit on a bowl with piss on it, keep in mind that you aren’t at any risk.

University bathrooms, on the other hand, appear to be entirely repulsive. I took a mini-road trip to Ottawa once and found a mess so revolting in one of U of O’s dorm toilets that my friend dubbed it the ‘fecal disaster’. Concordia isn’t much better. Stay away from the first floor bathrooms in the Hall and Library buildings. If you’re easily grossed out, don’t even set foot into the Faubourg; there will be diarrhea on the seat and drops of blood all over the little period garbage. I saw a turd on the floor there once. WTF? It boggles my mind how nasty students at that school are. You will also repeatedly see girls exit the bathroom without washing their hands. They’ll glance at their face in the mirror, make sure they look good and get the fuck out.

Not all is lost, though. I have a trick for you! If you’re looking for a pleasant bathroom experience, use one of the top floor stalls. They’re cleaner, it smells less, and you’re often the only one in there. I also recommend newer buildings, especially if you have to take a shit. The EV is OK (again, go to one of the higher floors). I’m willing to bet that the new John Molson building will be acceptable, too.

I feel a little weird about having written a post on where to poop, but whatever. I hope it helped. For now, I think you should just look for clean stalls rather than waste valuable time complaining about your fellow students. They’ll never learn, anyway. Oh, and wash your hands well because germy particles are floating around all over the place.




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14 responses to “Public Bathroom Blues

  1. leslienikole


    fine. thanks for the tips about dawson and concordia. i’m still iffy about which school i’ll go too.

    you’re not that old ;p.

    • badbangs

      you know when i said you shouldn’t waste valuable time complaining? that wasn’t right of me. you should actually do the exact opposite of what i advised. i complain about public bathrooms on a daily basis. i’m about to do it right now.

      yesterday, there was a toilet with a big turd in it at work and NO TOILET PAPER. what the hell? that means two things. 1) after god knows how many years, flushing is still not considered a priority, and 2) someone is walkin around town with a poopie butthole!

      SO DIRTY

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  3. I admit: I’m one of those people who make a mess. No, I don’t toss turds around the place, but I do have the occasional urine accident. I realized that I pee crooked, so some sprinkles onto the seat. It’s horrible, but I refuse to stop hovering. And is some sick way it makes me chuckle when I hear the next person go in and say “ew, what happened here.”

    I should really stop commenting on just about every post here, telling about my crooked pee and other nasty stuff. You must think I am some sick bastard with nothing else to do…hmm… maybe I am.

    • badbangs

      i think it’s normal to pee onto the seat once in a while. sometimes i’m so shocked at all the directions my pee goes in that it makes me laugh. but i wipe it after.

      maria also takes some sort of tormented pleasure in other people’s bad bathroom experiences. weird! i don’t get it.

      and no, i don’t think you’re a sick bastard! maybe i would if you pooped on the floor but it’s just pee on the seat. that’s not SO bad (i’m still not down with it, though.. wipe it off!).

  4. Nicole

    It’s embarrassing as a female to know that most girl washrooms are worse than the guys’. WTF?? And one of the worse places I must say is at work!! Apparently people need to be TOLD how to fluch a fruckin toilet. I see a lot of toilets with shit floating around, or shit particles. I’ll look at my own and that’s it; nobody else’s.
    PS; on advice of where to do your business: ConU Loyola bathrooms are pretty decently kept. Because nobody is ever there, they’re usually pretty clean and peaceful.
    Other than that, I much prefer the comfort of my own home.

    • badbangs

      OMG, those signs that say flush the toilet! they got put up the day after i didn’t flush my pee (IT DIDN’T WORK, I TRIED). i feel like it’s my fault. don’t use the first stall!

      the loyola bathrooms are getting worse and worse… well, in the journalism building, anyway. still better than the downtown campus, though.

      • Nicole

        Hahahaa no no. I always use the handicap bathroom cuz I can’t stand awkward run ins with people I barely know. But it’s always in there that I find myself staring down at someone else’s log. Ugh

  5. mah, it's me.

    I heard the 10th floor men’s washroom in the concordia hall building is the place to be…

  6. i’ve also noticed the bathrooms on the top floors at my university are usually cleaner. The bathrooms where I work are always gross though.

  7. GiGi D`Agostino

    what i dont enjoy is when im taking a dump at work, and the person next to me is taking one as well. Its like a competition.

    It kinda ruins my experience when i hear another guy sharing my “defecating” experience. Crapping is quite a relaxing moment in a person`s work day, only to be ruined by close stalls.

    Where is the music? That is what i want to know. My problems would be solved just by putting some tunes to crap to.

    Please notify the major for me.

  8. GiGi D`Agostino

    wow, i realized i spelled mayor wrong.

    call major payne.

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