A lot of guys don’t like when you fart in front of them. Sure, they love to try that “pull my finger” crap on you (that’s a dad joke, by the way – you can only use it on your kid so get some new material). They laugh hysterically at the sound and smell of their own anal accoustics. They play their farts off as doorbells or car horns. Granted, it can be pretty hilarious, but are you allowed to do this stuff? No. That’s because real ladies don’t poop or toot. Their asses are for grabbing, thong wearing and butt sexing.
All my boyfriends have taken the liberty of farting in front of me as many times as humanly possible. I’ve even seen them force a few out in my honor. There’s just something about me that makes people feel comfortable. I think it’s because I talk about taboo subjects very openly. I also burp a lot. For the most part, I accepted their constant crap dusting, but I never really farted in front of them. Well, I’ve let a few slip by. What? Sometimes you really have to let one rip.
So for all you girls out there clenching your ass cheeks on dates with your man, I’ve compiled a small list of when and where to fart without your jerk of a boyfriend complaining about your unlady-like ways.
In The Car
Duh, this is a prime trouser coughing location! God knows my driver’s seat has absorbed like, a bajillion of my farts. The car is good because it’s loud. If you or your boyfriend own a car that runs smoothly, just turn on the radio. Then let one out. If you think it might smell, roll down the window (or press that button that pulls the window down for you – my car knows of no such luxury). If it’s a real stinker, just beat him to the punch. Be like, “Gross, it stinks! Must be outside.” He’ll agree because it really does stink outside sometimes.
When You’re Drunk
There are certain rules one needs to respect when they’re wasted; don’t cheat on your loved one and um, that’s basically it. See how there’s no rule about farting? That’s because it’s tolerated. And extremely funny.
As You Cough
Sometimes you can tell when your butt burp won’t smell. That can backfire so be careful, but if you’re positive it won’t stink, pretend like you just got a mini-cough attack so he won’t hear any machine gun sounds. Even if he suspects that he may have heard a rumbling that sounded similar to a fart’s, he’ll think it came from your throat, not your ass.
When Your Stomach Hurts
I use this one all the time, mainly because my stomach is always hurting. It’s acceptable to blast gas when you’re in pain. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you hunched over, crying and complaining. He cares about you and wants you to get better. If that means evacuating a little extra air, then just do it and follow it up with, “I’m so sorry! My stomach hurts real bad!” He won’t mind. You can fake the stomach ache thing at any time, too.
In Crowded Places
Just get it over with. Blame it on someone else or be like, “Ew, did you fart?”. He’ll never know it was you, unless he recognizes your brand, which he won’t because you never fart in front of him anyway. If you’re walking around, try not to leave a trail because he’ll wonder why the smell is always around you guys.
I hope that helped. Whatever you do, don’t try to let it out silently. There’s a variety of worst case scenarios that can and will happen if you do this: you’ll succeed but it’ll be an SBD (silent but deadly) or it’ll come out as a long, loud trumpet-like sound. Those are the worst!
In all seriousness, most guys won’t care about your odor bubbles. Not after having dated for a while, anyway. If they complain about it, you might want to fart on their pillow (thereby giving them pink eye) and move on. Anyone who can’t accept you for the gassy person you are sucks.