Adventures In Birth Control Land

birthcI’ve been on the pill for two years and a few months. I originally got on it because I don’t want babies and hate condoms. If you’re in a committed relationship and both you and your partner have been tested, I would definitely recommend taking the pill as your preferred method of birth control. Wait, would I? Hmm. Let’s see here.

The pill is really good at one thing, and that’s not getting you pregnant. Other than that, it kind of sucks. A lot. The list of awful side effects is long, but here are the most common:

It makes you fat
The first thing I noticed was how much my boobs grew. This happened after a mere few days. I know that sounds awesome but they were all swollen and tender. It hurt when I put a bra on. Eventually, the pain went away and an unpleasant situation became an unexpected bonus. I realize how lucky I was, though. Some girls gain a lot more than just a little boobage. I read one lady’s story online about how one of her feet go so swollen that it busted a strap on her shoe! That sucks. And all that extra weight is a bitch to lose.

It kills your libido
This actually happened to most girls I know who’ve gotten on the pill, so beware. Your libido could potentially go from raging (Spring break in Cancun-style) to inexistent (nun in a convent-style). I felt my sex drive dwindling so I tried switching to a pill with a different hormone level, but the problem persisted. I kind of just live with it now. It’s ironic that I got on the pill in hopes of having more sex.

It doesn’t cure your cramps
When I was a teen, my doctor advised me to start taking the pill. I wasn’t even sexually active yet, but he claimed that an oral contraceptive would ease my horrible menstrual pain. Turns out that was a load of bullshit. Know what helps my cramps? Three Advils, a cup of tea and the fetal position. Not the pill.

It gives you insane mood swings
I have literally gone from laughing to crying my eyes out in less than a second. I cry when I eat the last Sausalito cookie in the bag, I cry when I watch Destiny’s Child videos and I hold tears back when I see adorable puppies. I’ve snapped at my mother for buying cheap toilet paper, when, at 24, I should be ecstatic she even buys me TP in the first place.

You’ll forget to take it
For the pill to be its most effective, you’re supposed to take it at the same time every day. Well, that’s almost impossible. One time, I forgot to take one. I googled it and found a website that said I should take two at once, to compensate for the one I missed. So I did that. A few hours later, areas that are usually dry began sweating uncontrollably and I had to fight a wave of severe nausea that kept trying to come over me. That was last New Year’s Eve. Needless to say, I didn’t have the best time. Thanks a lot, Internet.

Of course, I’m speaking from personal experience. You might not feel any of these side effects. You might be one of the lucky ones (I hate you). It’s gotten to the point where I kind of want to get off the topsy turvy roller coaster the pill has put me on, but I can’t bring myself to. It’s worked itself into my daily routine, but more importantly, I’ve never so much as had a slight pregnancy scare while on it. So I guess I’ll tough it out. For now, anyway.

-Melissa

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “Adventures In Birth Control Land

  1. leslienikole

    I saw the title and rolled my eyes, my adventures haven’t been all too much fun. BTW !

    The weight gain was a plus for me, my boobies are WAYY bigger now =)
    And you’re right about the docs lying about it easing the cramps.

    Yasmin causes mania, suicidal thoughts and depression. Just to let you know.

    -leslie`nikole.

  2. Nicole

    I’m on Yasmin… Aaaaaand ya. I still experience maaaaaaddddd cramps that leave me crying in the fetal position anywhere, and I mean anywhere. My doctor gave me anti-flammatories, but ya I hate pills. Boobs haven’t changed, gained some weight but thankfully lost it, I used to be hornier than a grade 9 boy who just found his older brother’s porn stash, but for the past handful of months, it has SUCKED. The pill sucks.

    AND I’m on this ridiculous emotional rollar coaster that will never let me off.

    But on the flip side, no suicidal thoughts. Haha.

  3. badbangs

    Yasmin made me gain so much weight and not in the good spots
    By the sounds of it, Yasmin is really being pushed by our doctors
    I was the biggest bitch on that pill and I never wanted to have sex, wtf is the point of birth control if you dont wanna fuck?
    I wanted to try Nuvaring, a once a month birth control you shove down your lady hole, anyone have experience with it?
    Thanks,
    Maria D
    UPDATE: I googled Nuvaring and apparently it wasnt fully tested by the FDA and it increases chances of blood clots more than birth control
    Theyre being sued cuz a 30yr old woman died infront of her toddler from a bloodclot. so yeah… I’ll stick to condoms

  4. Vanessa

    Hey Mel, I’ve been on Linessa for about 2 months now and its been pretty amazing, actually. I haven’t gained any weight whatsoever. My breasts were tender at the beginning but it went away after a couple days. Cramps are still there, but they’re not as intense as they used to be, however they do last a little longer. My sex drive is through the roof as well. I would honestly suggest talking to your gyno about this pill, apparently its new on the market. I have no complaints about it whatsoever. Also, about forgetting the pill, I never forgot it (yet), but I’m also very fortunate to have a job where I start at 10 everyday, so I just put my alarm for 9:00 and take my pill at the same time. Hope this was a little encouraging! Keep up the posts, I love your blog.

    • badbangs

      aw, thank you! i appreciate it a lot. i’m actually supposed to go see my gyno soon (ugh), so i’ll ask him about linessa. i’ll google it, too.

      -mel

  5. Janet

    I decided at a very young age that I dislike children, they are smelly and sticky and annoying! So, I went to my Doctors at 16, then at 18 and again at 25 and said that I did not want to have children and I wanted to have my tubes tied. At 16 they said hell no, at 18 they said no, and at 25 I finally convinced the guy to do it! I am very happy with my decision, no need to worry about a pill, or about pregnancy, the only thing I have to worry about is where and when my next romp with the boyfriend is!

    • badbangs

      i actually thought about getting my tubes tied, but i’m scared to eventually want children. presently, i, like you, dislike kids very much and don’t see myself wanting any, but i don’t know. it’s a serious decision. i’m happy it worked out for you.

      -mel

      • Janet

        It was a serious decision to make, I knew since I was little I didn’t want kids so it was easy for me. You can have the procedure reversed later on, it costs 5000$ however (at least it does in Ontario) But I also figured if I eventually wanted kids, I could always adopt, and I could adopt someone a little older so I wouldn’t have to deal with diapers, and screaming, and formula… I hate the smell of formula, it makes me gag!

  6. i used to be on tri cyclen and i had crazy mood swings. now i’m on yaz and it’s pretty good. (yasmin and yaz are different just for the record)

    • badbangs

      my bad, you just made me notice that i wrote yaz instead of yasmin before. my fingers type too fast! thanks, i’ll edit it now. yasmin was actually the first pill i was on.

      -mel

  7. Nicole

    A friend of mine’s mom had her tubes cut, burned and tied… And she still got pregnant twice after having the procedure…

    • badbangs

      whoa! bummer.

      -mel

    • Janet

      I remember my mom telling me that could happen. She said that the tissue could regrow and re-connect and you could get pregnant again. I have some clips on my tubes so that can’t happen, although I do worry sometimes, what if they were to fall off.

  8. GiGi D`Agostino

    this is all funny.

    whatever happened to pulling out?

    I heard its 98% efficient with a 99% chance of satisfaction.

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