There it was, on the third page of this morning’s Gazette, staring up at me in big, bold letters – a headline asking, “Does Size Matter?” Interested, I read on. Sadly, it turns out they were referring to the number of kids in a classroom. I did what I assume everyone who attempted to read the article did: I walked away and got a bagel. I felt duped. They led me to believe they’d be talking about penises.
Nonetheless, my curiosity was piqued. I asked a few of my girl friends if they thought size mattered (and yes, in this case, I’m talking about dicks) and they all hesitated and said no. Liars! The answer is yes.
I mean, it’s not like we’re hunting for rare sausage. Most women are more than happy with an average size and actually prefer girth to length. Problems tend to arise when you’re seriously lacking in one or both departments.
If you’re fooling around with a girl and she reaches for your crotch and feels that you’re packing a really small one, she’ll be disappointed. I can guarantee you that. But will she leave? No. Well, probably not. See, we care about penis size, but it’s not the only thing we care about.
Whether you’re hung like a horse or working with a pencil dick, good foreplay is essential – but if you’re in the latter category, you might have to work a teenie weenie (pun intended) bit harder. Sexual satisfaction on both ends is extremely important in any relationship, so if you suspect that she’s secretly comparing sex with you to inserting a tampon, you’re gonna have to take it up a notch.
First of all, don’t front. Pretending you’ve got the biggest wiener we’ve ever laid eyes on is stupid. We know it’s small. We see it. Accept your size and be (or at least act) comfortable with it. If you’re visibly insecure, we’ll get turned off. Being whatevs about it shows us that you’re realistic and probably ready to try out different things to compensate. Second, brace yourself because you’re gonna be eating a lot of pussy. Third, consider bringing sex toys into the bedroom; just offering it suggests that you care about whether your lady gets off or not and that’s unselfish and awesome.
If you’re ultra passionate with us and follow those steps, sex can actually be more pleasurable than it would be if your cock were huge. Dudes with big ones often mistakenly assume that their glorious penises alone are enough to get the job done, but that’s not always the case. Not all women can orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, duh.
So while we do appreciate average and above average (but not too much ’cause it’s painful) dicks, we won’t shun you if you don’t measure up. Not immediately, anyway. After all, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. But can you blame a girl for wanting to ride on a yacht?
Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that. So cheesy. You get what I’m saying, though.