Does Size Matter?

There it was, on the third page of this morning’s Gazette, staring up at me in big, bold letters – a headline asking, “Does Size Matter?” Interested, I read on. Sadly, it turns out they were referring to the number of kids in a classroom. I did what I assume everyone who attempted to read the article did: I walked away and got a bagel. I felt duped. They led me to believe they’d be talking about penises.

Nonetheless, my curiosity was piqued. I asked a few of my girl friends if they thought size mattered (and yes, in this case, I’m talking about dicks) and they all hesitated and said no. Liars! The answer is yes.

I mean, it’s not like we’re hunting for rare sausage. Most women are more than happy with an average size and actually prefer girth to length. Problems tend to arise when you’re seriously lacking in one or both departments.

If you’re fooling around with a girl and she reaches for your crotch and feels that you’re packing a really small one, she’ll be disappointed. I can guarantee you that. But will she leave? No. Well, probably not. See, we care about penis size, but it’s not the only thing we care about.

Whether you’re hung like a horse or working with a pencil dick, good foreplay is essential – but if you’re in the latter category, you might have to work a teenie weenie (pun intended) bit harder. Sexual satisfaction on both ends is extremely important in any relationship, so if you suspect that she’s secretly comparing sex with you to inserting a tampon, you’re gonna have to take it up a notch.

First of all, don’t front. Pretending you’ve got the biggest wiener we’ve ever laid eyes on is stupid. We know it’s small. We see it. Accept your size and be (or at least act) comfortable with it. If you’re visibly insecure, we’ll get turned off. Being whatevs about it shows us that you’re realistic and probably ready to try out different things to compensate. Second, brace yourself because you’re gonna be eating a lot of pussy. Third, consider bringing sex toys into the bedroom; just offering it suggests that you care about whether your lady gets off or not and that’s unselfish and awesome.

If you’re ultra passionate with us and follow those steps, sex can actually be more pleasurable than it would be if your cock were huge. Dudes with big ones often mistakenly assume that their glorious penises alone are enough to get the job done, but that’s not always the case. Not all women can orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, duh.

So while we do appreciate average and above average (but not too much ’cause it’s painful) dicks, we won’t shun you if you don’t measure up. Not immediately, anyway. After all, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. But can you blame a girl for wanting to ride on a yacht?

Wow, I can’t believe I just typed that. So cheesy. You get what I’m saying, though.




Filed under BAD BANGS

8 responses to “Does Size Matter?

  1. Vanessa

    Mel, you sugarcoated this too much, you were way too nice. lol

    • badbangs

      really? i thought i was being mean! i was worried people were gonna comment that i’m a bitch, lol.

      see, before writing this, i googled a bunch of articles and surveys and most of them insisted that women DON’T CARE about size. AT ALL. and i was like, “that’s some bullshit.”

      so i wanted to set the record straight from my point of view, but um, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a size queen either, you know. whatever works for you.


  2. Janet

    I would say I don’t care about size, but I do. I mean if your dick is too small to get me off, then move along young fella!

    I can enjoy the average size penis, it works well for me, doesn’t hurt, feels good. Me Likey!. My current boyfriend however has some serious girth and it hurts like hell sometimes. But that’s a small price to pay for several orgasms. Plus he’s a total sweetheart, treats me right and aims to please. That is what really matters……. in my opinion

    • badbangs

      being a total sweetheart, treating you right and aiming to please ARE what really matters, but what if he does all those things and has a tiny one? then what? EH?

      will you tell that young fella to move along?

      (i like that line a lot, btw)


  3. GiGi D`Agostino

    oh man!
    i shouldnt have read this blog. All of my life all ive heard was “nah it dosent matter, i love it anyways” and “i dont always have to feel it”.
    Now i know the truth, women DO care.

    Ive been dupped! Damn you bad bangs blog, damn you to hell!!

    I heard someone once call me asian, is that bad?

  4. Margo


  5. carla

    haha well said mel.

    p.s. “Gigi D’Agostino’s” comments kill me every time.

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