Monthly Archives: October 2009

Live Fast, Die Young

Even if they might not realize it, most people are obsessed with famous people and dying. Think about it. I’ve decided to combine the two and blow everyone’s mind. In the spirit of Halloween, here is a list of my all-time favorite Hollywood deaths. Yes, I know this post reeks of insensitivity. Leave me alone.



Chubbuck was a news reporter. She was depressed for a while before her death. This may have been caused by her personal life; she once complained that she was nearing 30 and was still a virgin. Still, she took her job quite seriously. Eventually, one of her news stories was cut in favor of a shoot-out. The station’s owner had tried to convince his staff to focus on ‘blood and guts’.

Three days later, she began her segment as usual, reporting various national stories. She moved onto a story about a shooting at a local restaurant. The film reel wouldn’t run, so Chubbuck said, “In keeping with Channel 40’s policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts, and in living color, you are going to see another first – attempted suicide.” She then shot herself in the ear, live, on air.

The creepiest part is that afterwards, the news director found the script Chubbuck had been reading her newscast from. It included not only her suicide, but also a third-person account to be read by whatever staff member took over the broadcast after she’d shot herself. As she predicted in her script, she was taken to Sarasota Memorial Hospital and was pronounced dead 14 hours later.

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Who gives a shit about Christmas when you have a holiday like Halloween? Fuck those losers that are all about Christmas trees and candy canes – I’m all about haunted houses and scary movies. Oh, and scaring children. When we were younger, my cousin Sara and I used to hide under piles of leaves and grab trick-or-treaters by the ankles. Sometimes they’d cry, which made us feel bad, but overall it was funny and awesome.

Actually I’m not too sure if we did that or not. I may have dreamt it. I’m pretty sure we did it. I need a better brain.

I plan on posting as many Halloween-related posts as possible this week, this being the first.

So here are just a few pictures from a party I threw last year. Hopefully they’ll get you into the Halloween spirit!




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I Have A Look Alike

parenttrapEver since I turned 16 or 17, friends have been telling me that I have a look alike that could easily pass as my identical twin. They’ve even mistakenly said hi to her, thinking she was me. I’ve been on a quest to find this girl for several years now. I think we could be BFF. Here are some facts I’ve creepily gathered about her:

She may have gone to VMC:
People always ask me if I went to high school there. I say no and then they’re always like, “Are you sure?” Yes, I’m sure, assholes. The only plausible reasoning behind their reaction is that my look alike went there.

She probably worked at Foot Locker:
I remember a friend once asking me how long I’d been working at Foot Locker. I was like, “I have never worked at Foot Locker a day in my life.” He couldn’t believe it. I rushed to the Foot Locker in question the next day to see if my look alike was there, but she wasn’t. I was too shy to ask the people working if my face looked familiar – I regret it immensely.

She definitely went to Rouge last night, October 23, 2009:
Ah, the most important clue of all! Moments ago, I was sitting on my bed reading an old issue of Missbehave (RIP) when I got this text message from my cousin Sara, the person who probably knows me, my face and my quirks better than anybody else in this world:

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The Benefits Of Teleportation

You’re gonna think I’m nuts, and that may be partially true, but I’ve been thinking about teleportation all day. Does it exist yet? It should. But not everyone should have access to it. That would be crazy! There would be way too much traffic in the teleportation realm. That’s why I believe this power need to be earned; like a blowjob or a badge in the Boy Scouts. Only people who really deserve to teleport themselves should be able to. Like me.

I think I deserve this power because I am an all-around good person (sometimes) and have kind eyes. More importantly, though, I have needs that can only be met through teleportation. Here are some examples of how this science would come in handy for me:

1) I can only poop at home. This is the reason I decided to try to teleport myself today; I’d just gotten into work when the urge to take a dump struck. I thought maybe I could teleport by thinking really hard, like when Alex Mack would morph into water. Unfortunately, my brain waves weren’t strong enough to take me to my home toilet, even if just for a few minutes.

2) I live really far. Who wants to be stuck on a bus for an hour with an old man whose skin smells like burnt hair (this happened to me yesterday) just to get to work? No one! I think the government should include an optional teleportation fee for anyone who chooses to buy a property on the outskirts of the city.

3) I’m extremely forgetful. Perhaps time traveling powers would remedy this fault best, but teleportation would be useful as well. Then it wouldn’t be a big deal if I forgot an essay or a jacket or my Snack Pack pudding cup at home, you know. I could just plop back into my house and get it.

For sure there’s like a million other benefits. Think about it.

It’s time we come up with this technology. It’s almost 2011, people. What’s the problem? Well, I did a little research to find out – I read that it’s because unlike objects, humans have souls, and you’re not supposed to teleport souls.

Oh well. I’ll keep trying.



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Surprisingly Sexy

Sometimes ugly people can be sexy. And when you think about it, sexy ugly is way more interesting than sexy sexy. Hollywood is packed with stars that aren’t conventionally good looking but ooze a strange sex appeal. Here’s a list of my favorite unsightly dreamboats.



OK, so Cesar isn’t exactly ugly, but he’s definitely not on the same lists as Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas (btw; ew). Well, that’s because he’s even hotter. That salt and pepper hair, that meticulously groomed goatee, that friendliness and genuine love for doggies! OH, and that accent! I’m melting.

If you think that was a lame choice, don’t worry, it gets uglier.

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Panic Attacks

Wikipedia says that, “Experiencing a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person’s life.” That’s completely true. I can’t even find the words to describe how bad panic attacks feel. It’s almost like you’re stuck in a different dimension and you’re trying to escape but an intensely strong, invisible force keeps pulling you back in. For lack of a better description, it’s total chaos.

I had my first attack about a year and a half ago. I can’t even remember how I handled it. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I went from happy to scared shitless within seconds. It’s as though a layer of fear wrapped itself around me. I felt totally trapped. I was dizzy and couldn’t breathe. I tried to take long, deep breaths but my lungs wouldn’t let me. My heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. Worst of all, I felt like I didn’t have any control over myself.

I’ve suffered many, many attacks since then. My episodes have gotten less severe, but they last a lot longer. I had one last night over several hours. I got up this morning, showered and got some green tea, hoping that these things would make me feel better. They didn’t. I still feel like my body is reeling from the worst fight-or-flight reaction it was ever faced with.

I used to assume that my panic attacks were caused by stress. I’ve always been the type of person to worry for no reason. I also juggle more commitments than I can handle. Still, as stressed as I can be, I’ve always dealt with it really well. So I decided to conduct an investigation of sorts. I started keeping a little panic attack calendar. The results were startling! I realized that my episodes are most likely caused by something other than stress: the pill.

I can pretty much predict my panic attacks nowadays. They happen after every period, when I switch from the placebos to the regular pills. They always happen in the middle of the night, too, presumably because I take my pill pretty late (around 9 or 10 p.m.).

I looked it up and it seems as though this is happening to a lot of women. The pill apparently heightens anxiety, which can trigger panic attacks.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. I almost want to get off oral birth control. I could switch pills, but it’ll be the third time I do that. I’m fed up. The panic attacks were all pretty traumatic for me and I really, really don’t want to have another one. At the same time, how do I know that when I get off the pill, the attacks will stop? Maybe I’m fucked for life. I don’t know. I’m freaking out.

Coincidentally, I’m seeing my gyno soon (I hate him but whatever). I’ll ask him about all this. In the meantime, have any of you ladies ever suffered from this? What do you think I should do?



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Skinny Model Fired For Being Too Fat

Filippa Hamilton, 23, had been a Ralph Lauren model for nearly eight years. She’s 5’10” and weighs 120 lbs. She says that her weight never fluctuated during the entire time she worked for Ralph Lauren, but that she was nonetheless fired for being too fat. Of course, the company disputes that, stating she was fired for not fulfilling her contract’s obligations. Nice completely vague reasoning, RL.

hamiltonIf Hamilton’s name sounds familiar, it’s because she was in the news recently for having been photoshopped to look grotesquely thin. Ralph Lauren took responsibility for that one, issuing an apology statement that read something like, “Too skinny? Oopsies.”

Hamilton’s response to her termination was, “I think they owe American women an apology, a big apology; I’m very proud of what I look like, and I think a role model should look healthy.”

Wait, what?

While I think it’s great that she called Ralph Lauren out, she’s not really a role model, nor does she look particularly healthy. With a BMI of 17.2, girl is actually underweight.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Hamilton is gorgeous. Her eyebrows are killer. She kind of looks like those McGill hipster girls I look nothing like and am totally jealous of. But to liken her body type to a role model’s, and to therefore imply that it’s healthiest, is just sort of insane to me.

Keep in mind that the average North American woman is 5’3.8″ and weighs around 163 lbs.

Having a little meat on your bones is hot, and it sucks to hear both a big ass clothing company and a model imply otherwise. I’m sick of this.

Still, good on her for calling out her bullshit employer when others might not have. I guess it’s a tiny step in the right direction.




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