The Benefits Of Teleportation

You’re gonna think I’m nuts, and that may be partially true, but I’ve been thinking about teleportation all day. Does it exist yet? It should. But not everyone should have access to it. That would be crazy! There would be way too much traffic in the teleportation realm. That’s why I believe this power need to be earned; like a blowjob or a badge in the Boy Scouts. Only people who really deserve to teleport themselves should be able to. Like me.

I think I deserve this power because I am an all-around good person (sometimes) and have kind eyes. More importantly, though, I have needs that can only be met through teleportation. Here are some examples of how this science would come in handy for me:

1) I can only poop at home. This is the reason I decided to try to teleport myself today; I’d just gotten into work when the urge to take a dump struck. I thought maybe I could teleport by thinking really hard, like when Alex Mack would morph into water. Unfortunately, my brain waves weren’t strong enough to take me to my home toilet, even if just for a few minutes.

2) I live really far. Who wants to be stuck on a bus for an hour with an old man whose skin smells like burnt hair (this happened to me yesterday) just to get to work? No one! I think the government should include an optional teleportation fee for anyone who chooses to buy a property on the outskirts of the city.

3) I’m extremely forgetful. Perhaps time traveling powers would remedy this fault best, but teleportation would be useful as well. Then it wouldn’t be a big deal if I forgot an essay or a jacket or my Snack Pack pudding cup at home, you know. I could just plop back into my house and get it.

For sure there’s like a million other benefits. Think about it.

It’s time we come up with this technology. It’s almost 2011, people. What’s the problem? Well, I did a little research to find out – I read that it’s because unlike objects, humans have souls, and you’re not supposed to teleport souls.

Oh well. I’ll keep trying.




Filed under BAD BANGS

5 responses to “The Benefits Of Teleportation

  1. Sarah

    This is something I think about all the time. And now instead of writing my paper I’m looking up teleportation theories….I can’t believe people are actually working on this…academics. In Universities.
    Maybe it will come true before we die.
    I would always wish I could teleport after getting drunk downtown and when I was really tired and didn’t want to cab all the way to the west island. You could be in bed in less than 1 minute. How amazing would that be.

    • badbangs

      FINALLY! i posted that thinking, “oh god, everyone’s gonna think i’m crazy”

      i’m so glad you understand me!!

      it would be so awesome. there would be no more drunk driving! or expensive cabs! a cab from downtown to my house costs like 50 bucks.

      i would let you in on the powers if i could distribute them to people


  2. Janet

    May I also have some powers? I would use them for good! I would like them to go visit my parents (4 hours away) sister (5 hours away) and grandma (6 hours away) cause really, it’s a loooooooong drive!!!

    OH and also when I forget to buy something at the store, I could just pop on back over and pick up what I forgot!

    It would also be great if you could go anywhere in the world! I’ve always wanted to go help out in a fire situation in Cali or Australia (I am a fire tech, so not crazy)… I think that would be awesome!

    So many possibilities!

  3. Lilo

    This is so crazy.. I am currently writing a paper on the benefits of teleportation and how it would be marketed!

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