Monthly Archives: November 2009

What Do Women Want?

I think I speak for all of us when I say, “THIS.”

Thank you, Vice Magazine.
What a DO.

-Melissa

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Holiday Shopping Guide

Ho, ho, ho, bitches. I just watched the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special and I think I might finally have some of that holiday spirit people always yap about. Actually no, I really don’t have any, but I am very excited for presents. See, I haven’t asked for presents in years. I never wanted anything. But now I want everything!

I discovered amazon.ca the other day while procrastinating. That website is awesome. I bought myself a bunch of stuff (The Psychic Soviet by Ian Svenonius, True Norwegian Black Metal, The Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia, History of the 20th Century with the Boring Bits Left Out, the Wild Zero DVD). When I saw the total cost, I felt kind of extremely horrible, so I told myself these were to be Christmas presents. For me.

Shopping for myself is so easy! I like it a lot. Shopping for others, however, eh. I could take it or leave it. Finding a gift for your boyfriend is the worst. Sure, it’s easy and fun at first, but after a couple years of Christmases, Valentine’s Days, birthdays and random presents, you run out of ideas.

Fear not, my babies, I am here to help. I might not know any of your boyfriends personally, but  think I might know what they want for Christmas.

An awesome card
No, I’m not talking about some $6 Hallmark card with a mediocre joke in it. Whip out the arts and crafts supplies because you’ll be making the card yourself. You’ll also be writing a beautiful, heartfelt message in it. Think your man isn’t into that sappy stuff? You’re wrong. Men are babies and they love sentimental crap as much as we do. Put a lot of effort into it because a good card can make up for a shitty present.

A blowjob
That’s what he really wants so just give it to him. Normally I think a blowjob has to be earned (or traded off), but there are certain exceptions during the year where a man can get his dick sucked based solely on what day it is. Christmas is one of these days. Is this holiday not all about giving?

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Gyno Goosebumps

gynoI hate going to the gynecologist. I know some of the ladies reading this have never gone, so I thought I’d describe a typical appointment for you. I’m so kind. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll refer to the gyno as a ‘he’ in this post. Yes, my gyno is a man. Yes, I think it makes the whole thing super awkward, but he’s thorough and helpful. That’s what matters. Also, please keep in mind that I’m not some sort of gynecological master. I’m not familiar with all the medical vocab and whatnot; I’m just discussing the experience from my point of view.

OK, I don’t know what it’s like at all gyno offices, but at mine, you show up on time for your appointment and are seen about 3 hours later. Bring reading material, unless you wanna check out genital wart pamphlets (which are admittedly pretty informative). The first thing they do is take your blood pressure, which is no biggie. I actually like it. Sometimes I stick my arm in the blood pressure machine thing at the pharmacy. I’m like an old person like that.

So, after that fun experience, you’re sent to a little investigation room. I know that ‘investigation’ is the wrong word here, but whatever, the gyno is basically investigating your vagina. He’s like a private eye for your private parts. You’re told to take off your pants and underwear and cover yourself with a big paper square. I realize this is intimidating so take deep breaths, relax a little and just get it over with. My old gyno would always barge in as I was de-pantsing. So rude. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped seeing her.

The first time I went to the gyno, I hadn’t had sex yet. If this situation applies to you, you’re in luck! You might not have to go through the discomfort of a pap test. Basically, what happens is you get your boobs felt up. Then you get fingered (don’t worry; he uses gloves and lots of lube). And that’s it, you can leave after.

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Mood Swings

Success! Nicole sent us an e-mail with a post. Thank heavens for her; I’ve been slacking off like crazy here. In all fairness, this has been an absolutely awful week. I learned that I need to find myself a new job, I missed a birth control pill so now I have my period for an extra week and a half, Slayer postponed their show here, and I have swine flu. Well, that’s debatable – but calling it Swine Flu makes my boring, everyday cold sound kind of exotic, no? It’s a really bad cold, though. My father just asked me if I have “H1N2N”. Anyway, Nicole wants to talk about mood swings, so here we go.

whatshapThis is an extension of Melissa’s post about weird panic attacks because of the pill. So for the past while, I guess about a year or two, I’ve been getting really terrible, sometimes unmanageable mood swings. I used to bottle them up and not let anybody know about them, but for the past year, it’s been really hard. If someone is pissing me off, I have a hard time not getting snappy with them. It gets to the point where I have to avoid their gaze, clench my jaw as tight as I can, and just keep my mouth shut, because I’m afraid of saying something that I really shouldn’t. The person this happens most with is my mom. I love her dearly, but she’s the one who gets on my nerves the most. Is that normal? Sometimes I wish I could just tell her to fuck off and leave me alone, but she’s always too emotional for her own good, and it makes me the bad guy, in every situation.

I’d like to know if this happens to anyone else, on the pill or not. These mood swings make me really uncomfortable in many situations. And they come on unexpectedly, like I really don’t know when in my cycle I should expect them. I know during my cycle I have hormonal fluctuations, and peak periods, but these swings don’t seem to follow a specific pattern. I have strong emotions and sometimes anger management is out the window, as in I have very little, if any, control over my rage. It’s gotten my into trouble many times in the past, and although I try to control for it, I don’t see it getting much better anytime soon.

Anybody have any suggestions? What pills and/or birth control do you ladies use? I’m on Yasmin 28, and I’m wondering, since it’s the highest estradiol level pill (apparently) if it’s totally screwed my hormones and sent them out of whack.

Ahhh.

-Your much loved guest speaker.

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Not Gonna Buy These Shoes

I’ve been forced out of blog hibernation by a sexist commercial. OK, I know that I whine about stuff like this a lot, but I refuse to apologize for being offended by the blatant degradation of women. Sorry [but not really] if that makes me a tight ass. Speaking of tight asses, that’s sort of what the commercial is about.

You’d think that I first saw this gem during an NFL game’s half-time period or whatever it’s called, but I didn’t. The truth is that I saw it while watching Tyra. I’m ashamed to say that I watch that show so let’s move on immediately.

I don’t get how Reebok is trying to convince women to buy sneakers by airing a commercial that’s made to appeal to men during a daytime television program aimed at women. Do you follow what I’m saying? Me neither. I got lost after the first few words of that sentence. I think it’s because of how outraged I am.

So I took to the internet. After having gone through Reebok’s Youtube channel, I found a commercial that’s even worse.

I guess it’s a campaign of some sort, which I’m sure will be discussed extensively by every blog ever. And that’s the point. I almost hate that I’m writing about these ads because it’s exactly what Reebok wants. Ugh.

I hope you understand that the whole, “Make your boobs jealous (with your ass)” tagline reduces women to nothing but those body parts. I mean, those parts are great and all, but focusing on them all the damn time makes women insecure and men ignorant.

Smart, mind-challenging advertising is successful when done right; it’s a shame that most companies refuse to put that kind of effort into their ads and settle for zooming in on an ass or tits.

-Melissa

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