Gyno Goosebumps

gynoI hate going to the gynecologist. I know some of the ladies reading this have never gone, so I thought I’d describe a typical appointment for you. I’m so kind. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll refer to the gyno as a ‘he’ in this post. Yes, my gyno is a man. Yes, I think it makes the whole thing super awkward, but he’s thorough and helpful. That’s what matters. Also, please keep in mind that I’m not some sort of gynecological master. I’m not familiar with all the medical vocab and whatnot; I’m just discussing the experience from my point of view.

OK, I don’t know what it’s like at all gyno offices, but at mine, you show up on time for your appointment and are seen about 3 hours later. Bring reading material, unless you wanna check out genital wart pamphlets (which are admittedly pretty informative). The first thing they do is take your blood pressure, which is no biggie. I actually like it. Sometimes I stick my arm in the blood pressure machine thing at the pharmacy. I’m like an old person like that.

So, after that fun experience, you’re sent to a little investigation room. I know that ‘investigation’ is the wrong word here, but whatever, the gyno is basically investigating your vagina. He’s like a private eye for your private parts. You’re told to take off your pants and underwear and cover yourself with a big paper square. I realize this is intimidating so take deep breaths, relax a little and just get it over with. My old gyno would always barge in as I was de-pantsing. So rude. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped seeing her.

The first time I went to the gyno, I hadn’t had sex yet. If this situation applies to you, you’re in luck! You might not have to go through the discomfort of a pap test. Basically, what happens is you get your boobs felt up. Then you get fingered (don’t worry; he uses gloves and lots of lube). And that’s it, you can leave after.

If you’re not a virgin anymore, brace yourself. It gets uncomfortable pretty much as soon as he says, “Put your feet in the stirrups and slide down.” Your vag literally ends up in his face. My gyno man always makes super inappropriate comments about pubic hair. Other women might think this is off-putting, but I find him hilarious. He’s known as being somewhat of a perv, but I honestly think he’s just trying to make you laugh to ease you into the whole thing. Too bad some women don’t get it (I’m not judging; I totally understand how, “Nice hair-do!” in regards to a landing strip could be interpreted as offensive).

Once you’re in a suitable position, he whips out a big metal claw, otherwise known as a “speculum”. Try to relax because he’s going to slide it into you. Don’t worry too much; it’s painless, but it’s fucking cold. Actually, I think a lot of places use a plastic speculum now. My gyno is like a million years old so he hasn’t gotten with the times. Anyway, you’ll probs feel some discomfort. The more tense you are, the harder it’s going to be for him to get it up there. I suggest focusing on your breathing and trying to think of something enjoyable. My something enjoyable is a pond with swans floating on it. I don’t know why.

Soon enough, he’ll be able to see your cervix. That’s when he kind of scratches you and collects cells with some other tool. He places the cells on a glass slide. Having him slide the metal claw out of you is almost as uncomfortable as having him stick it in, but tough it out! It’ll all be over in a few seconds.

At that point, you can stop freaking out. It’s done. The gyno will leave the room while you re-pants. If you have to speak with him, you can go into his office afterwards (or before, depending on how your gyno works). If you feel like your questions aren’t being answered, BE PUSHY. When it comes to vagina-related stuff, your gyno should be your own personal Google.

You can preview doctors at RateMDs. Both my gynos (past and current) got horrible reviews, ha ha. But I’m satisfied with my doctor now so screw it.




Filed under BAD BANGS

9 responses to “Gyno Goosebumps

  1. joe cool

    i know exactly what you mean

  2. Sarah

    Before I moved away from Mtl, I had a really good gyno…and now I just don’t have it in me to find a new one…booooo

  3. leslie`nikole

    Ah, gyno vists.
    I had a male gyno once. He was 25-30. Smelt amazing. Had a UK accent.
    He was doing that little fingering test thingy and I moaned. REALLY REALLY LOUD.
    And he said, and I quote: “That would be your g-spot.”

    =) thought i’d share.

  4. Nicole

    My first gyno was an old man. The first time I saw him at 17 was to go on the pill. I saw him that first year… and for the next 3 years, I got his residence students every time. One of the used a ‘speculum’ that was too BIG, like think a 9 incher pushing its way through a virgin’s vag. UNCOMFORTABLE!! And painful.. She soon realized, whoops maybe this is the wrong one, and subsequently used a smaller, one. But she still managed to pinch the inside lining to my who-ha, which let me tell you hurts more than you can imagine. To quote Melissa, SWEET JESUS. Haha.
    Now, my GP is my gyno and she’s awesome. She’s about 27 or 28, and I feel so much more comfortable with her, and she warms up the plastic speculum every time!! Yessssss. But I dread my gyno visits nonetheless.

  5. GiGi D`Agostino

    …….and im done.

    thanks for that ladies.

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