Holiday Shopping Guide

Ho, ho, ho, bitches. I just watched the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special and I think I might finally have some of that holiday spirit people always yap about. Actually no, I really don’t have any, but I am very excited for presents. See, I haven’t asked for presents in years. I never wanted anything. But now I want everything!

I discovered the other day while procrastinating. That website is awesome. I bought myself a bunch of stuff (The Psychic Soviet by Ian Svenonius, True Norwegian Black Metal, The Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia, History of the 20th Century with the Boring Bits Left Out, the Wild Zero DVD). When I saw the total cost, I felt kind of extremely horrible, so I told myself these were to be Christmas presents. For me.

Shopping for myself is so easy! I like it a lot. Shopping for others, however, eh. I could take it or leave it. Finding a gift for your boyfriend is the worst. Sure, it’s easy and fun at first, but after a couple years of Christmases, Valentine’s Days, birthdays and random presents, you run out of ideas.

Fear not, my babies, I am here to help. I might not know any of your boyfriends personally, but  think I might know what they want for Christmas.

An awesome card
No, I’m not talking about some $6 Hallmark card with a mediocre joke in it. Whip out the arts and crafts supplies because you’ll be making the card yourself. You’ll also be writing a beautiful, heartfelt message in it. Think your man isn’t into that sappy stuff? You’re wrong. Men are babies and they love sentimental crap as much as we do. Put a lot of effort into it because a good card can make up for a shitty present.

A blowjob
That’s what he really wants so just give it to him. Normally I think a blowjob has to be earned (or traded off), but there are certain exceptions during the year where a man can get his dick sucked based solely on what day it is. Christmas is one of these days. Is this holiday not all about giving?

Something you made
I don’t have any talents (unless you count burping on command), but if I did, I’d make my boyfriend something good. Do you knit? Make him mittens!  Do you play an instrument? Compose a beautiful melody for him! Do you strip? Give him a professional lap dance! That last one was a bit of a joke (though I’m sure he’d enjoy the lap dance), but you get my drift. Homemade things are cheaper than store-bought gifts and they mean a lot more.

A Blurbie
OK, so this might fall into the “something you made” category, but I thought it deserved its own mention. Blurb is a website that makes books for you. That sounds a little confusing and intimidating, but it’s a really easy process. Once you’ve downloaded the free Blurb software, you can choose your book’s size and layout. Then you upload photos, insert text, whatever you want. I made a book for my boyfriend last year about our trip to El Salvador. It was sweet.

Expensive, somewhat useless crap he won’t spend his own money on
That’s the best. An ex-boyfriend of mine got me Stone Deaf Forever – the Motorhead box set and I thought that was a great gift. Why? Because I really wanted it but I was too cheap to spend 100 or so of my own dollars on it. If your man is into tools, electronics, those super expensive vintage band t-shirts on Ebay, big photography books or limited edition sneakers, you know what to do.

A mystery
Speaking of Motorhead, sometimes the chase is better than the catch. Last V-Day, I put an ad in the paper telling my boyfriend to look under his keyboard. Under his keyboard, I put a funny poem telling him to look under one of his couch pillows. Under the pillow, I put a final note hinting at his present’s whereabouts. Eventually, he found his present — me, in the bathroom. I gave him a hug. That was his gift. Lame? Maybe, but the hunt was fun. Sometimes how you present the gift is better than the gift itself (and a lot cheaper, for all you broke asses).

I hope that helped. It probably didn’t. Anyway, just remember that there’s nothing wrong with asking, “What do you want for Christmas? If you don’t answer me, I’m getting you nothing.” Also keep in mind that you should never offer money, gift certificates or things that YOU want (like those Kitchenaid artisan mixers, drool drool drool) as a gift to your significant other.


P.S. If you feel like spreading the holiday cheer (via buying me presents), look here! It’s a work in progress, by the way.



Filed under BAD BANGS

5 responses to “Holiday Shopping Guide

  1. Rob

    I think the hunt was a good idea, but I really expected the blowjob instead of the hug… you set it up and everything!

    I’m unimpressed. See you Friday.

  2. Janet

    Seeing Danny Devito like that… It… It just sorta burns the image onto your retina’s doesn’t it?!?!? Why won’t it go away? WHY?!?!?!

    Blog was great though!!

  3. boosh

    Write something funny, you whore.

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