Monthly Archives: December 2009

Cosmopolitan Crap

I used to read Cosmo mags all the time when I was younger because I stole them from my work. I was a 16 year old virgin who hadn’t ever seen a dick, yet I couldn’t resist the promise of juicy sex tips. What were the 194 new ways to please my man? What was the secret sex move that drives 72% of men wild? What could I tell about his personality from his bulge? There was so much I needed to learn! Of course, the magazine’s intrigue wore off after just a few issues. I recall reading one particular article suggesting women show cleavage to land that promotion they’re after. I couldn’t believe it. If I remember correctly, a photo of a model wearing glasses floating near the tip of her nose, a leopard print bra peeking out of a mostly-unbuttoned shirt, a form-fitting pencil skirt and unbelievably high heels ran alongside the article. Coincidentally, that is what I wear to the office every day (except on casual Friday – that’s when I break out the ol’ PVC corset). All jokes aside, I was fuming. I convinced myself I’d start a petition – or at the very least, write a letter – in hopes of shutting this bullshit magazine down.

Well, I got lazy, but on the bright side, the article served as a wake up call. After that, I was able to see the magazine for what it truly is: formulaic crap designed to generate mass profit off women’s fears and insecurities. OK, so that wasn’t exactly the revelation of the century, but trust me – millions of women read this thing every month, from cover to cover, and use it as an instruction manual.

Let’s have a look at the January 2010 issue, shall we?

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I Hate Jeans

I’m convinced that jean shopping is the worst thing in the world (aside from war, disease, poverty and all that). I like regular shopping but jean shopping is just the worst. Why is it impossible to find good ones? WHY? I had to buy a new pair recently and was about ready to cry. Not a single pair fit me properly.

Now, I have a usual brand: I tend to buy Miss Sixty jeans. They’re ridiculously overpriced (like $250 a pair) and sort of tacky but they last a long time and the stitching on the back pockets makes your ass look good. I mozied on over to the store and was ready to drop most of my paycheck on a new pair, but all of them were extremely ugly. They had gigantic labels and weird, over-the-top stitching and bedazzling. Who wears that crap? On top of that, I didn’t really like the staff (a girl sassed me), so even if I’d found a nice pair, I probably wouldn’t have bought it out of spite.

My second source for jeans is usually Gap. They’re comfy and affordable (~$80). Unfortunately, all of the much-hyped 1969 collection had some ugly ass pocket stitching going on. Clearly, ass pocket stitching is an important factor for me when buying jeans. There needs to be none at all, or subtle stitching that makes my butt pop out. I have no ass so this optical illusion is necessary. Gap failed.

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