I used to read Cosmo mags all the time when I was younger because I stole them from my work. I was a 16 year old virgin who hadn’t ever seen a dick, yet I couldn’t resist the promise of juicy sex tips. What were the 194 new ways to please my man? What was the secret sex move that drives 72% of men wild? What could I tell about his personality from his bulge? There was so much I needed to learn! Of course, the magazine’s intrigue wore off after just a few issues. I recall reading one particular article suggesting women show cleavage to land that promotion they’re after. I couldn’t believe it. If I remember correctly, a photo of a model wearing glasses floating near the tip of her nose, a leopard print bra peeking out of a mostly-unbuttoned shirt, a form-fitting pencil skirt and unbelievably high heels ran alongside the article. Coincidentally, that is what I wear to the office every day (except on casual Friday – that’s when I break out the ol’ PVC corset). All jokes aside, I was fuming. I convinced myself I’d start a petition – or at the very least, write a letter – in hopes of shutting this bullshit magazine down.
Well, I got lazy, but on the bright side, the article served as a wake up call. After that, I was able to see the magazine for what it truly is: formulaic crap designed to generate mass profit off women’s fears and insecurities. OK, so that wasn’t exactly the revelation of the century, but trust me – millions of women read this thing every month, from cover to cover, and use it as an instruction manual.
Let’s have a look at the January 2010 issue, shall we?
Wait – What the fuck happened to Amanda Bynes? I barely recognize her. Come back, Amanda circa Holly from What I like About You. I liked that show.
OK, down to business. That teaser at the top – to your left – is there all the goddamn time. At least I think it is. Every month, that spot is occupied by a different sex-related teaser that’s always (or usually) in a larger font than the others. This is of course meant to grab your attention because women are taught to be insecure when it comes to sex. I assure you that more likely than not, your man thinks you’re wonderful in bed and is more than happy to be getting laid. Do you honestly fear he might be bored and want to try something different? Stick a finger in his ass. There, now give me $7. By the way, you should realize that these little headlines are always about pleasing HIM – never you. Cosmo doesn’t care about your orgasm.
The other teasers are just as bullshitty so I wasn’t even gonna bother going through them, but then “YOUR HOO-HA HANDBOOK: GET A HEALTHY, SEXY VAGINA” slapped me in the face. Is a magazine aimed at adult women really using the term “hoo-ha”? I’m all for alliteration but this is ridiculous. Also, your vagina is fine as it is and definitely does not need any added sexiness. And when it comes to its health – well, the vag cleans itself. Visit a gyno once a year (and when you think something might be wrong) and bam! You’re keeping it healthy.
As you can see, there is really no need to buy this issue (or any issue, ever again), as I’ve just basically spoiled it.