As if my life weren’t shitty enough, I now have a cyst the size of a golf ball hidden in my upper thigh, near where it connects to my vagina. It’s not really visible so I’m not even sure how long I’ve had it – if it wasn’t for the seam of my new jeans rubbing against it, I wouldn’t even have noticed it. I never got a cyst before but I made like a million people touch it and everyone’s confirming that that’s what it is. It kind of feels like a Super Ball, all bouncy and rubbery. It’s freaking me out.
Thanks to Wikipedia, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s either a dermoid cyst (which I read as DEMONOID cyst) or a sebaceous cyst. The dermoid variety can contain anything from long ass strands of hair to nails, eyes and even teeth. I’ve been told that a character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding had a cyst with teeth but I never watched that movie because I have good taste (sorry, Nicole). Now I’m thinking up all these ridiculous scenarios in which the cyst is planning on chewing its way out of my thigh, or in which it’s staring at my vagina. It has a mind of its own, you guys! The sebaceous cyst is a little more tame, containing not much more than sebum, an oily substance.
In either case, I’m probably going to have to have this bad boy surgically removed. Before I go to the doctor’s, my mom instructed me to try to get rid of it on my own, by dipping a cloth in hot water and bleach and applying it to the cyst. She told me that the water has to be super hot and that I have to press on the cyst really hard for about fifteen minutes, to melt it or something. Well, I ended up using water so hot that I burned the entire area and pressing so hard that I bruised myself. Now it hurts like hell when I walk. FML.
My aunt told me that I should dip white bread in hot milk and apply it to the cyst. Apparently that will make it burst and whatever it contains will rise up out of me. It’s like when you put a bowl of milk to someone’s ass and worms come out. Or maybe it isn’t like that at all? Maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Here’s what the inside of a demonoid cyst looks like. Ew!