Murphy’s Law

As if my life weren’t shitty enough, I now have a cyst the size of a golf ball hidden in my upper thigh, near where it connects to my vagina. It’s not really visible so I’m not even sure how long I’ve had it – if it wasn’t for the seam of my new jeans rubbing against it, I wouldn’t even have noticed it. I never got a cyst before but I made like a million people touch it and everyone’s confirming that that’s what it is. It kind of feels like a Super Ball, all bouncy and rubbery. It’s freaking me out.

Thanks to Wikipedia, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s either a dermoid cyst (which I read as DEMONOID cyst) or a sebaceous cyst. The dermoid variety can contain anything from long ass strands of hair to nails, eyes and even teeth. I’ve been told that a character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding had a cyst with teeth but I never watched that movie because I have good taste (sorry, Nicole). Now I’m thinking up all these ridiculous scenarios in which the cyst is planning on chewing its way out of my thigh, or in which it’s staring at my vagina. It has a mind of its own, you guys! The sebaceous cyst is a little more tame, containing not much more than sebum, an oily substance.

In either case, I’m probably going to have to have this bad boy surgically removed. Before I go to the doctor’s, my mom instructed me to try to get rid of it on my own, by dipping a cloth in hot water and bleach and applying it to the cyst. She told me that the water has to be super hot and that I have to press on the cyst really hard for about fifteen minutes, to melt it or something. Well, I ended up using water so hot that I burned the entire area and pressing so hard that I bruised myself. Now it hurts like hell when I walk. FML.

My aunt told me that I should dip white bread in hot milk and apply it to the cyst. Apparently that will make it burst and whatever it contains will rise up out of me. It’s like when you put a bowl of milk to someone’s ass and worms come out. Or maybe it isn’t like that at all? Maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Here’s what the inside of a demonoid cyst looks like. Ew!




Filed under BAD BANGS

9 responses to “Murphy’s Law

  1. Cystematic

    Ouch. I wouldn’t try and get rid of a cyst like that, because you’d rupture it and have nails and teeth and brain tissue also (!) sitting around inside you, which is gross. Also, I think they’re pretty hard to rupture- I had a dermoid cyst which had been growing for months if not years and even with any strenuous stuff I did, it stayed intact.

    You should be able to have it removed using keyhole surgery, which is good- I had a dermoid cyst removed at the start of March which was about 30cm x 30cm x 30cm, and was filled with 3 litres of fluid, so I didn’t have that keyhole surgery choice! As for it chewing its way out of you like an alien, don’t worry! All it does is sit there harmlessly…but be careful, because I believe smaller cysts can twist, which apparently can be very painful. Mine was too big to twist, but I think it’s a problem.

    I hope you get it removed soon and you go back to feeling comfortable!

    • badbangs

      wow, that’s a big cyst. and you’re right, it’s been almost a week now and no sign of it even remotely rupturing. surgery it is! thanks for the info.

  2. Cystematic

    No problem, hope it all gets sorted soon! 🙂

  3. Fierce Brosnan

    como you are insane listening to these crazy italian home remedies. “Apparently that will make it burst and whatever it contains will rise up out of me.” sounds like some voodoo exorcist magic. good luck.

  4. please stop following these italian remedies
    they might do more damage than good.

    just go to the doctor.

  5. badbangs

    italian remedies 4 life

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