Monthly Archives: June 2010

Periods Are The Worst

Warning: this post is grosser than usual. Don’t read it.

I woke up at 7 this morning with unbelievable stomach pains. I was still a little drunk so my first reaction was, “Oh, beer shits.” I contemplated getting up but decided I was too lazy – I toughed it out and tried to go back to sleep. Then it dawned on me that the Jarry Poutine (for those unfamiliar, it’s a delicacy made of fries, thick gravy and cheese curds, topped with smoked meat) I had a mere few hours earlier was probably trying to sneak its way out. I almost got up but again chose to stay in bed. As my stomach ache worsened, I realized that the pain wasn’t caused by either of those things – I had my period. And I’d completely forgotten about it. I hadn’t strapped one of those nighttime pads (or ‘horse pads’ as my friend Bianca calls them) on before going to bed and I’d slept in my underwear. Before I could even consider the potential mess I’d made of my sheets, I freaked out and ran to the bathroom.

To my surprise, my undies were clean. There was no blood in the bowl, either. I thought this was incredibly weird but was like, “Whatever, I don’t have time to deal with this” (even though in retrospect I had ample time). I reached for a tampon and began sticking it in. For some reason, I had trouble. This annoyed me so I just stuck it in harder because like I said, there was no time. I then realized that I had possibly drunkenly forgotten to take my tampon out before going to bed. And that I was therefore wearing two super absorbency tampons. Holy shit. I nervously felt around for two strings but could only locate one. I guess that reassured me so I went back to bed.

But now I’m really scared. Did I lose a tampon in me? Is that even possible? I googled it (it seems to be a very popular question, by the way) and answers vary. Health sites seem to say that it can’t happen, whereas people on Yahoo Answers insist it can. I know the peeps on Yahoo aren’t remarkably intelligent (see: how is babby formed?) but I think I’m gonna have to side with them on this one for no reason whatsoever.

I’m hoping my vag will just push this bad boy out itself. I remember once I really had to take a shit at work. As many of you know, I don’t use public washrooms for anything other than peeing. Ever. That’s how bad I had to poop that day. My stomach was killing me; I was hunched over and sweating all over my desk. So I marched right to the last stall, ready to face my fear. Well, I ended up sitting there for a while. Nothing was coming out. So I pushed really, really hard. I was making a scrunched-up face and everything. Then I FINALLY passed something. It was a tiny Plop! sound but a plop nonetheless. I looked in the bowl and to my surprise, I’d pushed out a tampon, not a poop. I didn’t even know I was wearing a tampon! I actually started laughing all by myself. I can only imagine how insane I must have seemed to other employees in the bathroom.

So yeah, I guess I’ll try to handle this sitch on my own but I could also really use some advice. Am I freaking out over nothing? I honestly can’t remember if I’d taken my tampon out or not. I might have. Should I go see my gyno? I don’t feel like it.

Help. Love,
-Melissa

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Smart Girls Have More Fun

Some of you must think that I’ve spiraled into a deep depression that has changed and muted me. While this is true on some days, I assure you that I’m quite content and not suicidal most of the time. Yes, I’ve had an extremely hard few months (tough breakup! SAD). Yes, there are equally hard times ahead (moving out! STRESSFUL). However I’ve managed to stay grounded thanks to a perfect mix of friends, television, alcohol and of course, internet usage.

I’ve come to tell you all about a website that is restoring my faith in humanity. It’s had such a positive impact on me that I’m actually reconsidering my whole children-are-gross thing. In fact, I think I may now want a child – on condition that he or she try as hard as possible to be as cool as the girls featured on this site. Smart Girls at the Party is run by Amy Poehler (of SNL and assorted crappy movie fame – sorry, girl) and her two BFFs. Or at least one BFF, I’m not quite sure how the third girl fits in. Together they interview young girls about their beliefs, hobbies and aspirations. The kids are all so amazing. Ruby is a seven year-old feminist, Rachel is a 12 year-old robot builder (!) and Care Bears on Fire is a three-girl rock band that refuses to wear bikinis and be back-up dancers. Why wasn’t I this cool growing up? Why aren’t I this cool now?

Anyway, enjoy the website. I already plan on showing it to my little cousin. It’s more important than ever for kids (especially girls) to have positive role models in their lives – and it’s even better if these role models can subtly call bullshit on society’s double standards. I think Amy and her girls are doing that quite well.

-Melissa

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