I Live Alone

I bought a condo last year. I’ve been set on moving out since I was 19 so I was really stoked. I wanted to rent an apartment but my parents were all, “Italian people don’t rent.” They don’t? That can’t possibly be right. Anyway, I bought my place before it was built; that way, I got it for cheap (I don’t think I could get a closet in NYC for the price I paid), I got to customize how I wanted it to look and I had time to save extra cash. I actually saved over $20,000, which is pretty epic for me. Speaking of epic things, I used words like “mortgage”, “down payment” and “backsplash” for the first time. Those are adult words! But it’s cool; that’s just stuff you say when you’re a grown up.

I officially moved in a week ago.  After all these years of anticipation, I finally did it. And so far, it’s been fun. I mean, it’s not exhilarating – I don’t have cable or internet yet – but it’s fun. I ride Bixi bikes. I hang out in my underwear every day. I sit around. I drink a lot of beer. I eat the outer chocolaty layer of my Swiss Rolls, then open up the cake part, then lick off the cream, then eat the cake. I fart a lot. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m living the dream…

But there’s a problem. I can only live the dream during the day. I’m scared shitless at night. I was fine for the first couple of nights, but then someone knocked on my bedroom window at 4 o’clock in the morning. Who does that? I’m on the bottom floor (which is a nice way of saying I’m in the fucking basement) so I feel like this has the potential to happen often. Now when I go to sleep, I subconsciously force myself to wake up every hour to make sure I’m alive. There is a knife and an extremely bright flashlight in my night table; I don’t think I could ever stab someone but I could definitely try to blind them. I’m thinking of getting a gun. Again, I probably won’t ever use it (except at the shooting range because I’m kind of a bad ass) but I think it’ll be good to have. And I could call it my ‘piece’, you know.

I hate that I’m so paranoid. Since I’ve moved, I’ve seen a shirtless man smoking crack, three shirtless men with mental health problems, and 15 to 20 shirtless men drinking 40s. Does no one work or wear shirts in this neighborhood? I also found a syringe on the ground and saw a cyclist get hit by a car. Oh, and I read that a crazy guy randomly stabbed three people, including a 74 year old man, at a cafe a short walk from my place. Oddly, none of this scared me. It’s really the knocking on my window that freaked me out. You have no idea how terrified I was. I was covered in sweat (even moreso than usual). I somehow brought myself to look outside but it was too dark to see anything. My friend Vince tried to calm me down by saying it was a ghost but that made it worse.

How can I stop worrying at night? Will I be a scaredy cat forever?




Filed under BAD BANGS

18 responses to “I Live Alone

  1. I feel like it’s not so strange to feel paranoid when you first move into your own place. I’m assuming it’ll pass. Have you met any neighbors yet? Maybe you’ll tell your story to a neighbor and they’ll just laugh, “Oh, that’s just Freddy. We thought he’d given up his mischievous window-banging!”

    Put a Beware of Dog sign in the window?

    • badbangs

      you know what, thank you. the neighbors thing is a great idea. i met one of them (they’re a young couple; i asked the boy if he needed help moving furniture). i’m going to bake them cookies sometime this week so i’ll know for sure that they’ve got my back.

      and i actually wanna get a dog! so the sign would be accurate! but i have to wait for the stupid condo board to decide if they want to allow dogs in the building.

      • Mm. Well, good luck making friends w/ yo neighbors and the condo board’s decision. I’m sure cookies will do the trick (maybe for both?).

  2. snooches

    yes, you will be scared forever. i’m 30 yrs old and have been out on my own for 8 years and I still get spooked at night. may as well get used to it 🙂

  3. Margo

    GET A DOG! I have my Doberman so I’m all good… 🙂

  4. GiGi D`Agostino

    congrats on the digs, first off.

    secondly, embrace the fear. Be one with it, then you will become the fear and then the hunted becomes the hunter. You see where im going with this?
    Become fear. And your only stupid if your scared of yourself.

    you will thank me later.

  5. Margo

    True story!A week after I moved in to my new condo, a man in his 40s came right in thinking it was a staircase! I forgot to lock my door, I know, my fault. It was 10:30 on a sunday evening. Ya, was terrified but once I said “what the….” my Doberman came out of my room and was going to attack him but he ran like a chicken without a head out the door. I opened the door a crack and watched him run down the stairs…I didn’t have the chance to see what the man would have said back but hey, thank god for the dog lemme tell ya! Fewf…I love her and I wouldn’t live without a dog!

  6. Vinonymous

    Before you invest in a dog, you should do some research to make sure your condo isn’t built on ancient Native burial ground.

    Dogs would be useless against evil spirits or demons. Conventional bullets will be equally useless. They seem to be severely allergic to salt. Therefore, you should buy a shotgun and use salt-filled shotgun shells as ammo. Shooting them with this will ward them off for a short time.

    What you need to do to be extra sure is spread a layer of salt on any surface that they would be able to get in from (i.e. the doors, window sills, etc.) and hope that a breeze doesn’t blow the salt away.

    I would also make a ring of salt around your bed, so if they do manage to get in the condo, at least they won’t be able to climb into bed with you…

  7. Margo


  8. I always wanted to live alone but I am too much of a pussy. Even now when Andy is out I get scared like a big baby about every single noise.

    You got room for guests??

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s