Biggest Fear

I’m taking a little break from living alone – not because I’m scared shitless of ghosts and rapists attacking me in the night, but because I really needed to do laundry. In case you’re wondering, I do have a washer and dryer but the last time I used the dryer it kind of exploded or something and then my fire alarm went off and that shit is LOUD so I decided never to use it again. So yeah, I got home to my parents’ at about midnight or 1 this morning (after seeing Inception! *SPOILER ALERT*: do you think the ending was a dream?). My parents are away and my brother was sleeping. I tip-toed into the washroom to complete my nightly routine of pissing and then tooth brushing. After flushing, I approached the sink. That’s when it happened. I noticed something so grotesque my eyes popped out of their sockets a little bit. There, right in the middle of the sink, was a HUGE effing moth. I’ve never seen one this big. It was the mother of all moths. It may have been the mothman from the Mothman Prophecies. I ran out of the bathroom, slammed the door and haven’t been back in there since.

Moths are approximately one million times scarier than ghosts and rapists. They are my biggest fear. I can’t explain why. I kill spiders by squishing them with my index finger. Sometimes I even let them live because they don’t bother me. But moths. I can’t even. They are repulsive. And did you ever kill one? It’s like they’re made of dust. If you accidentally kill one on your jeans, their dusty asses will stain your denim. I find this more disgusting than cannibalism. While we’re on the subject, I’m equally scared of butterflies. Horrible creatures.

So now I’m screwed. My house has three bathrooms but I only ever use the one the moth is currently in. I can’t poop (and I really have to), brush my teeth or shower. I’m going to have to change my entire life because of this. I want to check if the moth has died yet but I can’t bring myself to open the door. What if it flies out? What if after it flies out, it goes into my room, hides in my sheets and touches my body at night? That would really freak me out! Their wings have a super weird consistency! They’re like velvet, and I coincidentally can’t stand velvet. Touching it sends shivers down my spine. When I was 14 and going through my short-lived goth phase, I’d shop at Cruella and have no choice but to avoid 3/4 of the merchandise.

So WTF do I do about this thing? Also, what are you scared of? I’m pretty terrified of mimes and bridges but my mottephobia really takes the cake. I wanted to post a picture of a big gross moth to go along with this post but my eyes automatically squinted and closed as soon as I typed the search words in.




Filed under BAD BANGS

8 responses to “Biggest Fear

  1. “I want to check if the moth has died yet but I can’t bring myself to open the door. What if it flies out? What if after it flies out, it goes into my room, hides in my sheets and touches my body at night?”
    That’s my favorite thing I’ve read in a while.

  2. GiGi D`Agostino

    hmmmm…moth sex

    so gross but yet so …gross

    gotta tell yah your pretty much screwed. If i was you i would just torche the place and get the insurance pay out. Aint no sense if fuckin around with the mothman

    • badbangs

      i think you’re right. this is the only sane solution. remember that seinfeld episode where george tried selling the cabana clothes but there was a million moths in them?! they must reproduce quickly. i don’t want that to happen in my house, especially not where i shower. naked.

  3. GiGi D`Agostino

    if see what you did there…TITillating your audience.

    well done

  4. Margo

    What happened to your dryer? I have the opposite problem…my washing machine danced out of the laundry mat and made a huge hole in my new condo! Everytime the spin cycle comes on I’m freaked out. It suppose to have been repaired but since then, I watch my washer everytime it spins just in case it goes out of control. Anyone else have that problem?
    For the Moth problem, I say be ready with a fly swap and start waving going into your bathroom.

    • badbangs

      i’m not sure, the motor blew the first time i used it. it’s under warranty though, thank god. i also obsessively watch the washing machine! but so far mine hasn’t moved.

      i got my brother to kill the moth. i think he used a shoe.

  5. Swainy

    LOL! my nightly routine also consists of having a piss and then brushing my teeth. On the subject of moths – a huge moth snuck into my bedroom the other night and flapped it’s scary wings in my face. Bloody scary (and very rude!)

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