Reading women can be hard. I lost count of how many times a male friend has shown me a text message from a girl and been like, “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?” The truth is, I have no idea. Not all women are upfront and honest about their feelings; some enjoy playing mind games, others are scared of getting hurt. I know this seems like a lot to handle but fear not, my babies, I’m here to help. Well, maybe. I can’t tell you how to talk to all women, but I can tell you how to talk to some women. Like me. And Maria.
Most girls will at some point complain about their weight. They might not flat-out say, “I’m a fat ass.” Instead, they’ll say something like, “I think I gained a few pounds.” Even if this is true, under no circumstances are you allowed to reply with, “So join a gym.” You might think such a comment would be helpful and supportive, but you’ll just make her feel bad. What you need to say is, “I think you’re beautiful.” Say it like you mean it though, we can tell when you’re bullshitting.
The same concept applies when she refuses to eat that second cupcake. If she’s all, “No, I can’t eat it, I’m huge,” you need to pick that thing up and feed it to her like you were feeding grapes to a fucking goddess. Expressing that you’re comfortable with our weight, whatever it may be, makes us feel sexy. And that makes us want to fuck you. It’s a win-win.
Once you’re in that friend zone, there’s very little chance of you getting out. When we say that we like you as a friend, we usually mean it. So don’t make it awkward by hitting on us. I mean, that’s the whole reason we stuck you in the friend zone: because we don’t want to sleep with you. Occasionally, romances do blossom out of friendships. That’s cool and all, but if the girl isn’t responding to any of your signals (we pick up on body language you may not even realize you’re emitting, by the way), then give up. There’s a name for friends we like to have sex with: boyfriends. If that title doesn’t apply to you, then enjoy the friendship for what it is; a platonic relationship, not a challenge.
Long term relationships can get old fast. Some people strive for that comfort, reassurance and daily ease; others think it’s really boring. With the secret I’m about to reveal, you won’t have to waste any time arguing about how every day is the same. Are you ready? Yes? OK, here it is.
It is my personal belief that surprises hold relationships together. I’m not saying to spoil or pamper your girlfriend. It’s not about the money, it’s about the surprise itself. Just the fact that you thought of us while we were apart makes us smile. Buy us a pair of tickets to see our favorite band (we’ll take you, anyway), write us a cute note, bake us cookies, etc. It’s not hard, really.
Sometimes we’ll ask you for a favor. It might be driving us to factory outlets or going to visit our mother. These are things you dread so of course, your answer is, “No, I can’t.” Then our face gets all pissy and you’re like, “Fiiine.” Then we’re like, “No, you don’t want to, forget it.” And then an argument starts.
Doing favors for one another sucks because it always involves doing shit you hate. You need to understand that all relationships involve sacrifice and compromise. Favor talk is tricky, but even if you’re hellbent on avoiding the task at hand, try giving in to it in exchange for a blowjob or something. We don’t mind trade-offs.
Telephone “I Love You” Talk
We know you hate admitting that you love us when you’re with your boys (or whatever you call them). They’ll probably laugh and say that you’re whipped or that you’re a pussy. That’s because they’re idiots. We understand, though, and we don’t want you to feel bad because of their dumb remarks. So when we’re on the phone and you’re with other people, you don’t have to say that you love us all the time – but man up and say it some of the time. Just let it out once in a while. It means a lot to us.
There you have it. In most cases, the way to talk to women is to be honest but not brutally honest. We don’t want you to sugarcoat everything you say; we just want you to think before you speak.