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Holiday Shopping Guide

Ho, ho, ho, bitches. I just watched the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Christmas special and I think I might finally have some of that holiday spirit people always yap about. Actually no, I really don’t have any, but I am very excited for presents. See, I haven’t asked for presents in years. I never wanted anything. But now I want everything!

I discovered amazon.ca the other day while procrastinating. That website is awesome. I bought myself a bunch of stuff (The Psychic Soviet by Ian Svenonius, True Norwegian Black Metal, The Russian Criminal Tattoo Encyclopaedia, History of the 20th Century with the Boring Bits Left Out, the Wild Zero DVD). When I saw the total cost, I felt kind of extremely horrible, so I told myself these were to be Christmas presents. For me.

Shopping for myself is so easy! I like it a lot. Shopping for others, however, eh. I could take it or leave it. Finding a gift for your boyfriend is the worst. Sure, it’s easy and fun at first, but after a couple years of Christmases, Valentine’s Days, birthdays and random presents, you run out of ideas.

Fear not, my babies, I am here to help. I might not know any of your boyfriends personally, but  think I might know what they want for Christmas.

An awesome card
No, I’m not talking about some $6 Hallmark card with a mediocre joke in it. Whip out the arts and crafts supplies because you’ll be making the card yourself. You’ll also be writing a beautiful, heartfelt message in it. Think your man isn’t into that sappy stuff? You’re wrong. Men are babies and they love sentimental crap as much as we do. Put a lot of effort into it because a good card can make up for a shitty present.

A blowjob
That’s what he really wants so just give it to him. Normally I think a blowjob has to be earned (or traded off), but there are certain exceptions during the year where a man can get his dick sucked based solely on what day it is. Christmas is one of these days. Is this holiday not all about giving?

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