Tag Archives: Laziness

Periods Are The Worst

Warning: this post is grosser than usual. Don’t read it.

I woke up at 7 this morning with unbelievable stomach pains. I was still a little drunk so my first reaction was, “Oh, beer shits.” I contemplated getting up but decided I was too lazy – I toughed it out and tried to go back to sleep. Then it dawned on me that the Jarry Poutine (for those unfamiliar, it’s a delicacy made of fries, thick gravy and cheese curds, topped with smoked meat) I had a mere few hours earlier was probably trying to sneak its way out. I almost got up but again chose to stay in bed. As my stomach ache worsened, I realized that the pain wasn’t caused by either of those things – I had my period. And I’d completely forgotten about it. I hadn’t strapped one of those nighttime pads (or ‘horse pads’ as my friend Bianca calls them) on before going to bed and I’d slept in my underwear. Before I could even consider the potential mess I’d made of my sheets, I freaked out and ran to the bathroom.

To my surprise, my undies were clean. There was no blood in the bowl, either. I thought this was incredibly weird but was like, “Whatever, I don’t have time to deal with this” (even though in retrospect I had ample time). I reached for a tampon and began sticking it in. For some reason, I had trouble. This annoyed me so I just stuck it in harder because like I said, there was no time. I then realized that I had possibly drunkenly forgotten to take my tampon out before going to bed. And that I was therefore wearing two super absorbency tampons. Holy shit. I nervously felt around for two strings but could only locate one. I guess that reassured me so I went back to bed.

But now I’m really scared. Did I lose a tampon in me? Is that even possible? I googled it (it seems to be a very popular question, by the way) and answers vary. Health sites seem to say that it can’t happen, whereas people on Yahoo Answers insist it can. I know the peeps on Yahoo aren’t remarkably intelligent (see: how is babby formed?) but I think I’m gonna have to side with them on this one for no reason whatsoever.

I’m hoping my vag will just push this bad boy out itself. I remember once I really had to take a shit at work. As many of you know, I don’t use public washrooms for anything other than peeing. Ever. That’s how bad I had to poop that day. My stomach was killing me; I was hunched over and sweating all over my desk. So I marched right to the last stall, ready to face my fear. Well, I ended up sitting there for a while. Nothing was coming out. So I pushed really, really hard. I was making a scrunched-up face and everything. Then I FINALLY passed something. It was a tiny Plop! sound but a plop nonetheless. I looked in the bowl and to my surprise, I’d pushed out a tampon, not a poop. I didn’t even know I was wearing a tampon! I actually started laughing all by myself. I can only imagine how insane I must have seemed to other employees in the bathroom.

So yeah, I guess I’ll try to handle this sitch on my own but I could also really use some advice. Am I freaking out over nothing? I honestly can’t remember if I’d taken my tampon out or not. I might have. Should I go see my gyno? I don’t feel like it.

Help. Love,
-Melissa

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Bad Mornings

garfieldYesterday, I woke up early in hopes of making myself a delicious meal. After several minutes of prepping and cooking, I truthfully believed I’d invented the best breakfast sandwich ever: eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato and prosciutto, gently folded into fresh pita bread. I was really eager to eat it so I raced to the table. Well, I must have been a little too eager because I dropped the whole thing on the floor. It splattered everywhere. Most of it was ruined but I managed to salvage a little piece. My floor is filthy but I ate it anyway.

My brother saw the whole thing and mocked me extensively. I tried to be tough, but I went upstairs afterwards and cried a bit. Yes, I cried over a sandwich. You don’t know how good it looked! I told the story to a few of my classmates later and got teary-eyed over it again. What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m just not a morning person. I never eat breakfast and I don’t think I’ll ever try to again. I wake up in time to get dressed and brush my teeth, thereby squeezing in as much sleep as possible. I love to sleep. Sleeping is my baby. There’s just something about being loosely tucked into a fluffy, cozy bed that makes me never want to get out.

Plus, bad mornings mean bad days. After the sandwich tragedy, I almost hit a lady with my car (my bad),  did badly on a quiz and lost two dollars. I also had a really intense thirst all day.

Basically, if I have to wake up early on any given day, I’ll probably be snappy and unpleasant. So don’t bother me. Please! Especially if you’re one of those chirpy “Good morning!” people. I loathe you.

And dont’ even get me started on waking up early in winter. Getting out of bed before the sun comes out is ridiculous. I can’t do it.

Does anyone have tips on having good mornings? Do good mornings exist? 

-Melissa

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