Tag Archives: Masturbation

School’s Out Celebration

I had my last test on Friday! I would have been done about a week and a half sooner but I accidentally forgot to go to a final. WHO DOES THAT?! I was so, so embarrassed. This particular exam was worth 60 per cent of my final grade. I’ve never failed anything in my life so there was no way I’d accept an F on my transcript. Luckily the teacher let me take the test at a later date with a slight penalty. Whatever, as long as I’m not failing.

I worked really hard this semester so despite my current heartache and emotional anguish, I decided to tear my butt off the couch and go out and celebrate. I met up with my friend Phil and watched the third period of the Habs game at Foufs. She got me Godiva chocolates! So good. Her friend joined us and we headed to Cafe Cleopatra’s 35 year anniversary party. If you’re a Montrealer who’s somehow unfamiliar with Cafe Cleo’s current predicament, allow me to fill you in – in an effort to ‘revitalize’ the Lower Main, the city is backing a plan to build Hydro Quebec offices and chic cafes and shops along the sketchy part of St. Laurent Boulevard. All businesses have given in to the pressure and have either shut down or relocated (even the famed Montreal Pool Room moved), except Cafe Cleo. Sadly, the strip club (bar, venue, whatever you wanna call it) is now facing potential expropriation. In some ways, the party acted as a benefit show. Even Johnny Zoumboulakis, the owner, came out during a Dead Dolls number and gave a little speech to the crowd. He’s awesome.

Though there were many notable acts, I was most stoked on the drag queens. I’d never gone to a drag show before. It was really fun. They were all beautiful (I was jealous of more than one pair of sweet legs), talented and hilarious. One of the hosts kept uncomfortably wiggling around and saying, “Sorry, I had to get it out of my ass.” It was amazing. There was party favors, too! Funny glasses, pointy hats, crowns and noisemakers. I played with the glasses all night. It doesn’t take much to please me. My favorite number was a rendition of Liza Minnelli on coke. I was actually supposed to go to Rockette after the show but Liza threw a big bag of cocaine (er, baby powder) all over me and I was forced to head home.

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Jerking Off All Over The Place

A guy who lives on my boyfriend’s street jerked off outside this past weekend. Neighbors caught him in the act. Because it wasn’t the first time they found him mid-stroke, they called the cops on him. So now I think he has some sort of record for indecent exposure. And get this: the other times they caught him were in his grandmother’s backyard, who lives down the street. The guy is 22. That’s fucked up. I’m scared he’s gonna turn into a predator.

You might not think that people who masturbate in public make for an especially big issue, but they kind of do. Nearly every girl I know has a story (or in my case, several stories) to tell about it.

When I was 15, I was waiting at a bus stop. I heard noises coming from the bushes behind me. You know where this is going. I turned around and a guy was going at it ferociously while staring at me. I hadn’t even seen a live dick before (thanks for ruining the surprise, asshole). My jaw dropped. I remember how uncomfortable I felt.

A year or so later, I was walking home mid-afternoon and surprised a guy whacking off behind a pine tree. He looked startled, but instead of pulling his pants up and running away, he continued. I’m the one who ran away.

My experiences are tame compared to Maria’s. She was walking home one day, in her high school uniform, when she noticed a guy sitting on a nearby stoop. He looked at her funny. She was like whatever and started turning the key to get into her house. That’s when she heard him ask, “Excuse me, what time is it?” She turned around and he had his pants around his ankles. He said something corny like, “Come on, baby! It’s seven inches!” while jerking it. Maria was all, “WTF? You perv” and ran into her house. He was about 26.

Something is obviously wrong with these people. Like, something mental. But is stroking it outside a disease? It’s definitely deviant sexual behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if these masturbators suffered sexual abuse in the past – but that doesn’t excuse their making totally innocent girls feel violated. Yeah, I felt violated, even if there was no physical contact involved. 

The world may be a better place if everyone followed Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s lead and started beating people who jerk off in public with sticks. Actually, that might make the world worse. Hmm. Maybe therapists could wander the streets, diligently searching for men tending to their hard-ons, and offer them emergency sessions.

-Melissa

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