Tag Archives: Periods

Periods Are The Worst

Warning: this post is grosser than usual. Don’t read it.

I woke up at 7 this morning with unbelievable stomach pains. I was still a little drunk so my first reaction was, “Oh, beer shits.” I contemplated getting up but decided I was too lazy – I toughed it out and tried to go back to sleep. Then it dawned on me that the Jarry Poutine (for those unfamiliar, it’s a delicacy made of fries, thick gravy and cheese curds, topped with smoked meat) I had a mere few hours earlier was probably trying to sneak its way out. I almost got up but again chose to stay in bed. As my stomach ache worsened, I realized that the pain wasn’t caused by either of those things – I had my period. And I’d completely forgotten about it. I hadn’t strapped one of those nighttime pads (or ‘horse pads’ as my friend Bianca calls them) on before going to bed and I’d slept in my underwear. Before I could even consider the potential mess I’d made of my sheets, I freaked out and ran to the bathroom.

To my surprise, my undies were clean. There was no blood in the bowl, either. I thought this was incredibly weird but was like, “Whatever, I don’t have time to deal with this” (even though in retrospect I had ample time). I reached for a tampon and began sticking it in. For some reason, I had trouble. This annoyed me so I just stuck it in harder because like I said, there was no time. I then realized that I had possibly drunkenly forgotten to take my tampon out before going to bed. And that I was therefore wearing two super absorbency tampons. Holy shit. I nervously felt around for two strings but could only locate one. I guess that reassured me so I went back to bed.

But now I’m really scared. Did I lose a tampon in me? Is that even possible? I googled it (it seems to be a very popular question, by the way) and answers vary. Health sites seem to say that it can’t happen, whereas people on Yahoo Answers insist it can. I know the peeps on Yahoo aren’t remarkably intelligent (see: how is babby formed?) but I think I’m gonna have to side with them on this one for no reason whatsoever.

I’m hoping my vag will just push this bad boy out itself. I remember once I really had to take a shit at work. As many of you know, I don’t use public washrooms for anything other than peeing. Ever. That’s how bad I had to poop that day. My stomach was killing me; I was hunched over and sweating all over my desk. So I marched right to the last stall, ready to face my fear. Well, I ended up sitting there for a while. Nothing was coming out. So I pushed really, really hard. I was making a scrunched-up face and everything. Then I FINALLY passed something. It was a tiny Plop! sound but a plop nonetheless. I looked in the bowl and to my surprise, I’d pushed out a tampon, not a poop. I didn’t even know I was wearing a tampon! I actually started laughing all by myself. I can only imagine how insane I must have seemed to other employees in the bathroom.

So yeah, I guess I’ll try to handle this sitch on my own but I could also really use some advice. Am I freaking out over nothing? I honestly can’t remember if I’d taken my tampon out or not. I might have. Should I go see my gyno? I don’t feel like it.

Help. Love,
-Melissa

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Diva Cup Update

Diva CupI did it! I finally purchased a Diva Cup this weekend. I found one in Blainville at Jean Coutu for $34.99. Yeah, it’s far. But I also found one at a Rachel Béry homeopathic store on Ste-Catherine E. It’s next to an IGA near Berri metro and they sell it for $39.99.

As soon as I got home, I rushed to the bathroom to test it out. First things first, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS! I thought I could just ram it in there, but then it plopped out (ew). You’re supposed to fold the Diva Cup a certain way and then insert it. Once it’s in there, you have to turn it a full 360 degrees, a seemingly simple task. I stood there, in my tiny bathroom, holding the wall, one foot on the edge of the bath trying to turn the stupid cup but my fucking vagina skin kept getting stuck in my fingernails. It hurt so bad! I don’t know if I have too much vagina skin, is that possible? I guess I should have cut my nails shorter.

I took a chance and decided to not turn it and luckily I didn’t have any leaks. The next morning, I  took out the cup in the shower to avoid any potential messes. It took a while to remove it, what with my nails pinching excess skin. When I took it out, I stared at it for a while. For some reason, I decided to take a whiff of  it. Ew, it smelled so bad! Like ten times worse than regular period smell. I cleaned it a bunch of times but there’s still a faint odour. Maybe silicone traps smells, I don’t know.

Anyway, I’ve been wearing the Diva Cup since Sunday and have experienced zero leaks. I don’t feel it at all once it’s up there, unless I didn’t put it in right. It’s just a bit of a bitch to stick it  in and especially to take it out. The easiest way to remove it is to sit on the bowl as if you’re gonna take a poop and then just inhale and exhale and it’ll come right out. I gotta say, it’s a little awkward to balance a cup full of blood in your left hand while wiping or trying to pull your panties up. Also, I wouldn’t attempt to take it out at school or at a friend’s house, that’s kind of raunchy.

Overall, I give the Diva Cup a 8/10.

-Maria D

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Alt Porn

I am extremely ambivalent towards porn. God knows how many arguments I’ve had with past boyfriends and their late night habits. Porn is cheesy, laughable and usually unrealistic.

I love SexTV and they often have segments on feminist/alternative porn. I was curious and decided to check it out for myself. So here’s my Top Alt Porn Picks, a collection of amateur & fetish websites. As you may have gathered by now, this post is obviously NSFW.

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Menstruation + Weight Gain = Depression

I am an emotional wreck this week. During lunch today, my boyfriend asked me why I love Costco so much and tears starting pouring out of my eyes. All I could mutter was, “Why do you make fun of me all the time?” Pathetic, I know. I am obviously riding the emotional roller coaster of menstruation. Nevertheless, I’m particularly depressed and sad this period.  I never tLizzi Millerhought a trip to the pet store would send me over the edge, but boy was I wrong. Yesterday, the BF and I brought our dog to Mondou to pick up a few bones. There was a huge scale on the floor next to the cash. I tried to get my jerk dog to climb onto the scale so we could weigh him. Of course, he wasn’t cooperating so I forcefully picked him up and put him on it. Big mistake. As I climbed on, I saw the numbers on the scale sky rocket. I dropped my dog and stood on the scale until the numbers stopped. My stomach turned, my eyes swelled up and I had a lump in my throat. In about four years, I gained 30 lbs! What the fuck?

This is hard for me, but I’m ready to tell the world right now how much I weigh. Well, I’m not exactly ready, but I’ll do it anyway. It needs to be done. I always lied about my weight and said I don’t know what it is or I ball-parked it, but now I know for sure. I weigh 178.6 lbs and it’s the most I’ve ever weighed.

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Oh Diva Cup, How I Love Thee

Success! More reader mail! We asked a question about the Diva Cup in one of our recent posts and reader Dee was kind enough to share her experience with it. Thanks, Dee! You’re the best. By the way, everyone is welcome to write to us. Our email address is to your right. Don’t act like you don’t see it.

I first found out about this magial contraption when I was touring with my former hippie rock band. This was long before I owned one, though. At the time, my band was poor and living in a van, and we had been touring for weeks on end. I got my period and wasn’t prepared and the entire band (and yes, I was the only female) was crashing on the floor of a UVM residence hall, miles from any pharmacies, and even further from any of those awesome 24-hour CVS pharmacies they have in the US. We’d all had a few beers, and nobody could drive me to one so I started asking around for supplies, a task I’ve always loathed, even with women I KNOW, let alone women I DON’T know.

divacupA few tries produced nothing, and then I asked this girl Jenny (I even remember her name!), and she said, “Sorry, I use a cup.” I was dumbfounded. Because I’d had a few beers, I was like, “What do you mean, a cup?!” and she explained to me about this hippie-dippie device, whose benefits include not having to stick bleach or chemicals up your vag, no leaks, no need to change it every 4-6 hours, less material waste and less cramps. I was intrigued, but immediately forgot about it, and some other girl finally found me a pad (yuck! I hate pads – FIY, Melissa, I slept with tampons in all the time before I got the Diva Cup and my cooch is fine!).

Years later, I was talking with some staff members at the summer camp I worked at, and some guy said that he’d heard of this thing, the Diva Cup, which enabled women to have sex when on their period (don’t get excited, ladies & gents, you can’t – he was wrong). Intrigued by THAT idea, I researched the thing, immediately remembering my long conversation with Jenny at UVM. I found out that he was wrong about the sex-on-period thing, but liked the idea of being less wasteful, and since I had just had my first yeast infection, I liked the idea of not putting bleached tampons up there, and since I was POOR, I LOVED the idea of a one-time only fee of under $40 (at that price, if I didn’t like it, I’d just chuck it!). I tried about 12 natural product stores in Montreal before locating one in my size (finally found it at McGill’s Shag Shop, located at their downtown campus, but you can also buy it at the MacDonald campus). My first few periods with it weren’t the best, because you have to figure out how to put it in properly for YOU; all women are shaped differently. I suggest wearing a pad with it until you know you’ve got the hang of it.

For those of you whose interest I’ve peaked, here is a little more detail:

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Period Pants

I hate my period. When my monthly gift comes along, I’m irritable, inexplicably sad and horny all at once. I scarf down Advil in a manner that can only be compared to the method in which the Cookie Monster gobbles down treats. I get cramps so excruciating that they’ve often caused me to throw up. And when someone tries to excuse my behavior and bad mood by saying something like, “Oh, she’s just on the rag”, I get even more upset. I don’t care if all this is natural and womanly or whatever, it’s my worst time of the month, every month. Fuck that commercial; I’ve never had a happy period.

I remember the first time I got it. I’d just turned thirteen, had never been kissed and had only recently started sprouting boobs. It was summer. Because my parents never believed in air conditioning, I would sleep in a tank top and underwear. One morning, my mother came to wake me up. I wouldn’t budge, so she shook me and moved my sheets around. I told her to go away. That’s when she surprisingly asked me, “Did you shit yourself?” Um, what? I freaked out and ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I realized that it wasn’t poop; it was what I’ve grown to refer to as ‘that brown stuff you get before your period’.

When my mom realized that she’d just witnessed my first menstruation, she decided to throw me a huge congratulatory party. JK, guys. She thankfully didn’t seem to care. If I remember correctly, she brought me a pad and told me to strap it around my underwear. That was that.

Since then, I’ve noticed that you always get your period at the worst times, no matter what. If you’re having a one night stand, you’ll stain a stranger’s sheets. If you’re wearing white pants, get ready to tie a sweater around your waist.

tampOver the years, I’ve learned to deal with my period in several ways. Like I’d mentioned before, I have a medicine cabinet stocked with Advil, Anaprox, Midol and even codeine. I also have a drawer full of period undies. Boys, don’t act surprised; every girl has this. Period undies are undies you don’t care about, so it’s no big deal if they get bloodied. And they will get bloodied. It happened to me last night, actually. Going for a morning piss and noticing that you have a big stain on your underwear puts you in a horrible mood and sets the tone for the rest of the day. How big do the pads have to be? Should I just be like, “Fuck it” and wear diapers?

I have somewhat of a confession to make, actually: sometimes I sleep with a tampon in. I move around so much in my sleep, I have to! I don’t want to have to wake up and scrub blood out of my mattress, you know. I’ve been trying to cut down on it because I’m scared of getting the period disease, also known as TSS.

I’m wondering if the Diva Cup will make my period a little more bearable. I think someone should write a guest post about it. Hint, hint.

-Melissa

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