Tag Archives: Poop

Periods Are The Worst

Warning: this post is grosser than usual. Don’t read it.

I woke up at 7 this morning with unbelievable stomach pains. I was still a little drunk so my first reaction was, “Oh, beer shits.” I contemplated getting up but decided I was too lazy – I toughed it out and tried to go back to sleep. Then it dawned on me that the Jarry Poutine (for those unfamiliar, it’s a delicacy made of fries, thick gravy and cheese curds, topped with smoked meat) I had a mere few hours earlier was probably trying to sneak its way out. I almost got up but again chose to stay in bed. As my stomach ache worsened, I realized that the pain wasn’t caused by either of those things – I had my period. And I’d completely forgotten about it. I hadn’t strapped one of those nighttime pads (or ‘horse pads’ as my friend Bianca calls them) on before going to bed and I’d slept in my underwear. Before I could even consider the potential mess I’d made of my sheets, I freaked out and ran to the bathroom.

To my surprise, my undies were clean. There was no blood in the bowl, either. I thought this was incredibly weird but was like, “Whatever, I don’t have time to deal with this” (even though in retrospect I had ample time). I reached for a tampon and began sticking it in. For some reason, I had trouble. This annoyed me so I just stuck it in harder because like I said, there was no time. I then realized that I had possibly drunkenly forgotten to take my tampon out before going to bed. And that I was therefore wearing two super absorbency tampons. Holy shit. I nervously felt around for two strings but could only locate one. I guess that reassured me so I went back to bed.

But now I’m really scared. Did I lose a tampon in me? Is that even possible? I googled it (it seems to be a very popular question, by the way) and answers vary. Health sites seem to say that it can’t happen, whereas people on Yahoo Answers insist it can. I know the peeps on Yahoo aren’t remarkably intelligent (see: how is babby formed?) but I think I’m gonna have to side with them on this one for no reason whatsoever.

I’m hoping my vag will just push this bad boy out itself. I remember once I really had to take a shit at work. As many of you know, I don’t use public washrooms for anything other than peeing. Ever. That’s how bad I had to poop that day. My stomach was killing me; I was hunched over and sweating all over my desk. So I marched right to the last stall, ready to face my fear. Well, I ended up sitting there for a while. Nothing was coming out. So I pushed really, really hard. I was making a scrunched-up face and everything. Then I FINALLY passed something. It was a tiny Plop! sound but a plop nonetheless. I looked in the bowl and to my surprise, I’d pushed out a tampon, not a poop. I didn’t even know I was wearing a tampon! I actually started laughing all by myself. I can only imagine how insane I must have seemed to other employees in the bathroom.

So yeah, I guess I’ll try to handle this sitch on my own but I could also really use some advice. Am I freaking out over nothing? I honestly can’t remember if I’d taken my tampon out or not. I might have. Should I go see my gyno? I don’t feel like it.

Help. Love,
-Melissa

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Nude, Shit-Covered Man Jumps Into Stranger’s Pool

RobertStarkHigginsFlorida-resident Robert Stark Higgins jumped into a stranger’s pool on Saturday. When you think about it, that’s just one of the downsides of having a pool: hooligans love sneaking in for late-night swims. Except this particular incident happened at 9 p.m. And the hooligan was naked. And covered in feces. 

After taking his little dip, Higgins, 21, stole a towel and ran away.

A police dog later chased after him. Following Higgins’ scent must have been considerably easy.

When cops finally caught up with him, he admitted he’d been drinking beer and vodka.

You know, I almost can’t blame him. Beer shits are so relieving (I assume the poopie was his). It might have been a little more convenient to find a bathroom and toilet paper, but whatever.

-Melissa

Via NY DAILY NEWS

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Public Bathroom Blues

We love getting emails. And compliments. Emails that include compliments are twice as good. Reader Leslie Nikole recently wrote to us in hopes of finding out why women can’t use  public bathrooms without making a gross mess.

First of all, I love your blog. It gives me something to do beside count the number of mutated spiders that climb around in my classroom’s corners. It also makes me happy that you’re Montrealers, it’s like we have some kind of common ground.

germsAnyways, since you’re older and in university, I wanted to know if the disgusting shit I see in my high school bathroom (I’m in Sec 4/Grade Ten, thank God I’ll be outta there soon), used pads and tampons and their wrappers thrown all around the floor will also be a common hazard when I go to college/university? And what should I do about it in the meantime because the janitors (ha!) don’t clean for shit? Am I gonna be stuck holding my pee or what?

-leslie`nikole.
(
http://yngblkqwncnfsd.wordpress.com/ , just in case you’re interested.)

A youngin! I feel like an old fart now but I will advise you nonetheless. I know you’re hoping that my answer will be positive and reassuring, but unfortunately, it’s not. Women of all ages are disgusting. Especially when it comes to toilets.

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Dominican Dreamin’

I just realized that my summer has been entirely uneventful. Between working like crazy, obsessing over Big Brother (don’t judge me) and sleeping, I haven’t done anything. My excuse is that the weather has, for the most part, been terrible. I did go on vacation in May but that kind of sucked, too.

I visited the Dominican Republic for a week and all I got was bad diarrhea. Well, I also got a pretty good tan but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about poop. If you feel this is beneath you, please stop reading now.

OK, I’ve had diarrhea before but nothing like this. I’m thinking I may have brought it on myself. I stayed at one of those ‘all-inclusive’ resorts, where for about a thousand bucks, you get a plane ticket, a place to sleep and all the buffet food you can handle. Turns out I couldn’t handle much.

Before I get started, I have to say that Punta Cana was beautiful.

It was humid.

DSC03686

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Anal Answers

Note: there’s some graphic shit (sometimes literally) in here.

The first time I ever considered having anal, I was absolutely turned off. Really, the closest I had come to it was having a finger jammed up my butt by surprise during sex. I was drunk and pretended to like it.

ass-venturaMy ex used to bring it up all the time. He claimed he was just kidding, but I always suspected that deep down inside, he desperately wanted to backdoor me. We never went through with it, though. I guess I never fully trusted him. Seriously, it takes an outstanding level of trust (not necessarily commitment or love, but trust) to let someone ram it in your ass for the first time.

Years later, I met my current boyfriend. One day, we found ourselves on his couch, a little bit tipsy. We’d been dating for two or three months and were totally hot for each other. I think we were in the midst of a sloppy make out session. You know, the ones that start off with watching TV all innocently but end up in dry humping so hard that your underwear is chafing your vag. We couldn’t have sex because I was ragging it so he proposed anal. You’d figure he’d rather deal with a bloody cunt than a shitty asshole, but whatever.

So, I ran to the bathroom, took in a deep breath and shoved a soapy finger in my bum hole. It came out clean. Thank God; I could just imagine getting crap on my boyfriend’s penis after only 2 months of dating. How mortifying would that be?

The trick is to start slow. I mean, you can’t expect to slap on some lube and just shove it in. No, it’s more like chug half a bottle of cheap wine and then it’s one finger at a time until your hole gets more and more dilated (gross, I know).

After a bit more fingering, he’ll be like, “Are you ready?” That’s when, in your best pseudo-porn star voice, you whisper, “Do it.” Then you shut your eyes real tight and stop breathing for what seems like forever. Of course, that may be your initial reaction, but not breathing and clenching your muscles is actually the worst thing you can do. You need to stay calm and relaxed to allow for a smoother insertion. It wasn’t so bad for me. I didn’t bleed, but you might.

Once he’s balls deep, you’ll start feeling like you’re taking a reverse shit. You’ll immediately pull back, half expecting a turd to come sliding out. Thankfully, there should be nothing. Once he sticks it in again, it’ll be kinda hard to enjoy yourself, as the whole time you’ll be paranoid you might poop.

The experience doesn’t feel particularly good or bad. I mean, there’s a specific sensation, but I’m not sure how to describe it. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to cum from it, so to make things a little more enjoyable, I suggest having a vibrator handy.

If you don’t own a vibe and you’re fed up because anal isn’t providing you with that climax build-up you’re looking for, you can switch from ass to vag, but do it carefully. If for some reason you aren’t using a condom (which you most definitely should), he needs to wash his dick really well. If you are using a condom, he’ll need to get a new one. It might kill the moment but the last thing you want is to inadvertently get poop particles in your twat; that’ll almost surely make for a nasty infection.

So in all, I’ve done anal three times. Once, there were some brown smears on the condom. If that happens to you, don’t freak out, it’s normal. You can’t honestly expect the dick to come out clean every single time. Plus, the guy knows what he’s getting himself into and probably half-expects it. He’s sticking his dick in a shit tunnel, come on.

My advice to you is this: if you’re curious, try it. It hurts, but the pain is tolerable. Just remember to use a lot of lube, and none of that scented crap or “tingling sensation” stuff (take it from me, it burns). If you aren’t ready, don’t allow yourself to get pressured into it. Not everyone is interested in getting butt fucked (hi, Melissa), and that’s fine. Sexual limitations are personal, and you should define them at your own pace, rather than someone else’s or a porno’s.

-Maria D

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Too Much Information

I’m not really good with words or writing. Well, Melissa thinks I am, but I don’t. Maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know, I think I’m more of a one liner type. I’m a really good story teller in person, too. That probably explains why I don’t write for the blog as often as I’d like. I have great ideas but when it comes to writing them down, I’m easily distracted. So I’m taking the easy way out. I’ve decided to compile a list of funny moments, weird thoughts, opinions and quotes.

One thing I like to do is text Melissa the grossest things I can think of. I know she appreciates this stuff. Plus, her office is sort of like a call center, so I’m always hoping she’ll read one of these when she’s on the phone and start laughing. Here are some gems I’ve sent her:

“I need to buy undies I perioded on them”

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