You may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a short while (what’s new?), but that is because I’m going through a period of extreme sadness. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky Mel you know and no doubt love – instead, I hate the world and everyone in it about ten times more than usual. This isn’t healthy. To combat this inner sadness, I’ve composed a list of things to do when feeling down. If you follow all these points, I promise you total happiness. OK, that’s a bit of a stretch but at least you won’t want to kill yourself. I hope.
1) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
I know the last thing you want to do is search through your pile of dirty clothes to find the t-shirt that stinks the least. I know that when you’re sad, even showering is a huge pain in the ass. But listen, you need to be at least somewhat clean-looking when you finally present yourself to the outside world. Now, once you’re out you don’t need to do anything specific – go buy weird things in Chinatown, read subtitles during a foreign film, watch little kids skateboard, whatever. The point here is that you need to distract your brain from whatever is bringing you down. Odds are that if you stay home, you will not only think about the root of your sadness – you’ll obsess over it. Kind of like when that blond girl obsessed over Beyonce’s man in that movie. I think it was called Obsession.
2) BE DISGUSTING
Whatever, if you don’t feel like leaving the house, don’t leave the house (even though you probably should). If you feel like eating half of your mother’s $30 birthday cake and crying all over it and eating your tears, then do it (what? I didn’t do that). This is pretty much the only time that substituting every meal with junk food is excusable, so live it up. I’m currently wearing track pants (yes, TRACK PANTS) that I haven’t washed in two weeks and that I don’t plan on washing, um, ever again. You’re also entitled to give your friends attitude and to demand compliments from them. Don’t be shy, flattery is easily one of the best ways to get over your sadness. Someone told me they liked my hair today and I swear time actually stopped for three to four minutes.
Oh God, this is not something I’d actually do but I’ll include it anyway. Working out releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy, blah blah blah. They’re also released when you orgasm, by the way, so maybe you should just masturbate furiously or have sex a lot instead, though I fear that doing either of those things while potentially sobbing may be a teensy bit awkward. Maria Donna asked me to try yoga this week and I think I might actually take her up on it. I’ll report back if I find the strength to tear my butt off the couch.
Hey, I’m doing that right now! I’m not sure if I’d call it therapeutic but it got me to stop crying. Writing is kind of the thing I’m best at (and yet I pretty much suck — FRIENDS, COMPLIMENT ME) but you can also doodle or dance or sling some paint around, Jackson Pollock style. That reminds me, the sex addicts on Celebrity Rehab (I watch all these crappy TV shows if you haven’t noticed) used throwing shit around as therapy – paint, eggs, dishes, vases and bricks! OK, not bricks. Don’t throw those.
5) GOOGLE AND YOUTUBE CUTE/COOL THINGS
I am 100 per cent all about watching cat videos on Youtube. Maru is by far my favorite – check out the channel here. Another thing that manages to cheer me up is LOLcats (duh). Kids are hilarious too (“Wanna eat ’em?” “OMNOMNOM”). Also, a friend showed me a video of a mantis eating a dragonfly and now I’m really into mantis videos. Watch this snake get owned. And this mouse. And this wasp (weird music alert). Amazing. This is going to sound really geeky but I LOVE THE INTERNET.
6) GET A TATTOO
This probably doesn’t work for everyone but it definitely works for me. I should mention that I’m not about getting tattoos that “mean something” (or whatever bullshit); I’m about getting tattoos that “look good”. Or that I think look good, anyway. If I didn’t spend all of the little money I have on food, I’d probably have a sleeve by now. I’m telling you, tattoos are instant happiness. Unless they turn out ugly. Then you might be even more depressed. Seriously – that shit is for life.
My only other advice is to cry. I know, it’s boring and you think it makes you look pathetic, but you need to let it all out. Unfortunately, I appear to have some sort of never-ending supply of tears so I try to hold it in as much as possible. Plus, tears drying on my cheeks gives me pimples. I think I’m allergic to them.
There are also a bunch of things that you should AVOID doing while feeling sad. These include causing self-harm, indulging in drugs (it can go either way, I guess, but I’d probably end up bad tripping – do kids still use that term, “bad tripping”? I’m not a drug person) and writing poetry. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. There’s no reason for the poetry one; I’m just not a fan.