Tag Archives: Sadness

How To Be Happy

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a short while (what’s new?), but that is because I’m going through a period of extreme sadness. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky Mel you know and no doubt love – instead, I hate the world and everyone in it about ten times more than usual. This isn’t healthy. To combat this inner sadness, I’ve composed a list of things to do when feeling down. If you follow all these points, I promise you total happiness. OK, that’s a bit of a stretch but at least you won’t want to kill yourself. I hope.

1) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
I know the last thing you want to do is search through your pile of dirty clothes to find the t-shirt that stinks the least. I know that when you’re sad, even showering is a huge pain in the ass. But listen, you need to be at least somewhat clean-looking when you finally present yourself to the outside world. Now, once you’re out you don’t need to do anything specific – go buy weird things in Chinatown, read subtitles during a foreign film, watch little kids skateboard, whatever. The point here is that you need to distract your brain from whatever is bringing you down. Odds are that if you stay home, you will not only think about the root of your sadness – you’ll obsess over it. Kind of like when that blond girl obsessed over Beyonce’s man in that movie. I think it was called Obsession.

2) BE DISGUSTING
Whatever, if you don’t feel like leaving the house, don’t leave the house (even though you probably should). If you feel like eating half of your mother’s $30 birthday cake and crying all over it and eating your tears, then do it (what? I didn’t do that). This is pretty much the only time that substituting every meal with junk food is excusable, so live it up. I’m currently wearing track pants (yes, TRACK PANTS) that I haven’t washed in two weeks and that I don’t plan on washing, um, ever again. You’re also entitled to give your friends attitude and to demand compliments from them. Don’t be shy, flattery is easily one of the best ways to get over your sadness. Someone told me they liked my hair today and I swear time actually stopped for three to four minutes.

3) EXCERCISE
Oh God, this is not something I’d actually do but I’ll include it anyway. Working out releases endorphins, endorphins make you happy, blah blah blah. They’re also released when you orgasm, by the way, so maybe you should just masturbate furiously or have sex a lot instead, though I fear that doing either of those things while potentially sobbing may be a teensy bit awkward. Maria Donna asked me to try yoga this week and I think I might actually take her up on it. I’ll report back if I find the strength to tear my butt off the couch.

4) WRITE
Hey, I’m doing that right now! I’m not sure if I’d call it therapeutic but it got me to stop crying. Writing is kind of the thing I’m best at (and yet I pretty much suck — FRIENDS, COMPLIMENT ME) but you can also doodle or dance or sling some paint around, Jackson Pollock style. That reminds me, the sex addicts on Celebrity Rehab (I watch all these crappy TV shows if you haven’t noticed) used throwing shit around as therapy – paint, eggs, dishes, vases and bricks! OK, not bricks. Don’t throw those.

5) GOOGLE AND YOUTUBE CUTE/COOL THINGS
I am 100 per cent all about watching cat videos on Youtube. Maru is by far my favorite – check out the channel here. Another thing that manages to cheer me up is LOLcats (duh). Kids are hilarious too (“Wanna eat ’em?” “OMNOMNOM”). Also, a friend showed me a video of a mantis eating a dragonfly and now I’m really into mantis videos. Watch this snake get owned. And this mouse. And this wasp (weird music alert). Amazing. This is going to sound really geeky but I LOVE THE INTERNET.

6) GET A TATTOO
This probably doesn’t work for everyone but it definitely works for me. I should mention that I’m not about getting tattoos that “mean something” (or whatever bullshit); I’m about getting tattoos that “look good”. Or that I think look good, anyway. If I didn’t spend all of the little money I have on food, I’d probably have a sleeve by now. I’m telling you, tattoos are instant happiness. Unless they turn out ugly. Then you might be even more depressed. Seriously – that shit is for life.

My only other advice is to cry. I know, it’s boring and you think it makes you look pathetic, but you need to let it all out. Unfortunately, I appear to have some sort of never-ending supply of tears so I try to hold it in as much as possible. Plus, tears drying on my cheeks gives me pimples. I think I’m allergic to them.

There are also a bunch of things that you should AVOID doing while feeling sad. These include causing self-harm, indulging in drugs (it can go either way, I guess, but I’d probably end up bad tripping – do kids still use that term, “bad tripping”? I’m not a drug person) and writing poetry. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. There’s no reason for the poetry one; I’m just not a fan.

-Melissa

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Bad Mornings

garfieldYesterday, I woke up early in hopes of making myself a delicious meal. After several minutes of prepping and cooking, I truthfully believed I’d invented the best breakfast sandwich ever: eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato and prosciutto, gently folded into fresh pita bread. I was really eager to eat it so I raced to the table. Well, I must have been a little too eager because I dropped the whole thing on the floor. It splattered everywhere. Most of it was ruined but I managed to salvage a little piece. My floor is filthy but I ate it anyway.

My brother saw the whole thing and mocked me extensively. I tried to be tough, but I went upstairs afterwards and cried a bit. Yes, I cried over a sandwich. You don’t know how good it looked! I told the story to a few of my classmates later and got teary-eyed over it again. What the hell is wrong with me?

I’m just not a morning person. I never eat breakfast and I don’t think I’ll ever try to again. I wake up in time to get dressed and brush my teeth, thereby squeezing in as much sleep as possible. I love to sleep. Sleeping is my baby. There’s just something about being loosely tucked into a fluffy, cozy bed that makes me never want to get out.

Plus, bad mornings mean bad days. After the sandwich tragedy, I almost hit a lady with my car (my bad),  did badly on a quiz and lost two dollars. I also had a really intense thirst all day.

Basically, if I have to wake up early on any given day, I’ll probably be snappy and unpleasant. So don’t bother me. Please! Especially if you’re one of those chirpy “Good morning!” people. I loathe you.

And dont’ even get me started on waking up early in winter. Getting out of bed before the sun comes out is ridiculous. I can’t do it.

Does anyone have tips on having good mornings? Do good mornings exist? 

-Melissa

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Menstruation + Weight Gain = Depression

I am an emotional wreck this week. During lunch today, my boyfriend asked me why I love Costco so much and tears starting pouring out of my eyes. All I could mutter was, “Why do you make fun of me all the time?” Pathetic, I know. I am obviously riding the emotional roller coaster of menstruation. Nevertheless, I’m particularly depressed and sad this period.  I never tLizzi Millerhought a trip to the pet store would send me over the edge, but boy was I wrong. Yesterday, the BF and I brought our dog to Mondou to pick up a few bones. There was a huge scale on the floor next to the cash. I tried to get my jerk dog to climb onto the scale so we could weigh him. Of course, he wasn’t cooperating so I forcefully picked him up and put him on it. Big mistake. As I climbed on, I saw the numbers on the scale sky rocket. I dropped my dog and stood on the scale until the numbers stopped. My stomach turned, my eyes swelled up and I had a lump in my throat. In about four years, I gained 30 lbs! What the fuck?

This is hard for me, but I’m ready to tell the world right now how much I weigh. Well, I’m not exactly ready, but I’ll do it anyway. It needs to be done. I always lied about my weight and said I don’t know what it is or I ball-parked it, but now I know for sure. I weigh 178.6 lbs and it’s the most I’ve ever weighed.

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Bad Times

How much does it blow to be sad? I know, right! It’s horrible. As if being sad in the first place wasn’t bad enough, dealing with it is even worse. I’ve been going through some pretty bad times these past few days and have absolutely no idea how to handle myself. I’m a total mess. I cry incessantly, I have diarrhea and worst of all, I can’t shake the overbearing feeling of sadness. 

I’ve done all the obvious things one must do to quell gloominess. I tuned in to Puppy Cam, I ate licorice and I played with a baby. I even watched an episode of Hitched or Ditched, a show in which couples decide if they should get married or leave their significant other at the alter. Alas, even watching people get ditched at their own weddings could not entertain me. Wait, what am I saying? It was immensely entertaining, but it was a momentary feeling. 

So I turned to Andrew WK to make me happy again. I put on I Get Wet, got down to my undies and prepared to jump on my bed. This trick does not usually fail. Well, within like twenty seconds, I was singing along to It’s Time To Party with tears streaming down my face. WTF?

I give up. I am embracing my sadness. Maybe I could write beautiful poetry or lyrics or something equally meaningful often based on melancholy. Actually, that was a lie. That kind of stuff does not interest me at all. So what am I supposed to do? Life, sorry to say, but you are being a total jerk right now.

-Melissa

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