I’m pretty sure I have a sweating problem. Or like, a sweating disease. The weird thing is that I rarely get pit stains or B.O. or any other tell-tale signs of perspiration – I’m just constantly covered in a thin but very shiny coat of sweat. Every part of my body sweats equally. Sometimes I swear I can feel my hair sweating. I know it sounds like I’m whining but trust me, it’s bothersome. It’s been especially annoying this week as Montreal is currently experiencing a heatwave. In the span of four days, my disease has gotten nine to ten times worse. I think my skin is melting. It wouldn’t be so bad if I felt others were as miserable as I am, but no, everyone seems to be tolerating the scorching weather quite well. While I am forced to alternate between my two pairs of acceptable length jean shorts and white or black t-shirts (any other color will reveal my extreme sweating), perfect Montreal girls are prancing around all over the city in their vintage summer dresses and cute shoes. Bitches! I am so, so jealous. I want to wear dresses and not have my bare thighs rub together, working up a heat so intense it feels like I’m dying in a fire. I want to wear strappy sandals or oxfords made of leather or other sweat-inducing materials and not have my feet make squishy noises as I walk. I want the possibility of wearing makeup without it leaking down my face. Instead I am forced to sport the same boring look, over and over again.
Today (like every other day), I was wiping beads of sweat off myself in the metro. I noticed that everyone was looking at me, their dry faces pitying my wet one. I then spotted a morbidly obese woman. She, too, was looking at me. She was aggressively stamping a beach towel all over her cheeks, neck and chest. She gave me a look of comiseration and acceptance, and slightly nodded her head – an “I understand,” perhaps. It was sweet and all but as far as I know, I’m not in the same category as this woman. I don’t have any health problems or addictions that would lead me to sweat like crazy. This sucks.
I’m sick of having to take ice cold showers as soon as I get in from my bike ride home; I’m sick of my hot face turning beet red; I’m sick of my ass sweating; I’m sick of my sweaty bangs morphing into a devil lock (well that one’s kind of cool, actually). I can’t wait for this heatwave to be over so I can go back to being the attractive, moderately sweaty person I once was.