Tag Archives: Sweat

Summer Bummer: Sweat

I’m pretty sure I have a sweating problem. Or like, a sweating disease. The weird thing is that I rarely get pit stains or B.O. or any other tell-tale signs of perspiration – I’m just constantly covered in a thin but very shiny coat of sweat. Every part of my body sweats equally. Sometimes I swear I can feel my hair sweating. I know it sounds like I’m whining but trust me, it’s bothersome. It’s been especially annoying this week as Montreal is currently experiencing a heatwave. In the span of four days, my disease has gotten nine to ten times worse. I think my skin is melting. It wouldn’t be so bad if I felt others were as miserable as I am, but no, everyone seems to be tolerating the scorching weather quite well. While I am forced to alternate between my two pairs of acceptable length jean shorts and white or black t-shirts (any other color will reveal my extreme sweating), perfect Montreal girls are prancing around all over the city in their vintage summer dresses and cute shoes. Bitches! I am so, so jealous. I want to wear dresses and not have my bare thighs rub together, working up a heat so intense it feels like I’m dying in a fire. I want to wear strappy sandals or oxfords made of leather or other sweat-inducing materials and not have my feet make squishy noises as I walk. I want the possibility of wearing makeup without it leaking down my face. Instead I am forced to sport the same boring look, over and over again.

Today (like every other day), I was wiping beads of sweat off myself in the metro. I noticed that everyone was looking at me, their dry faces pitying my wet one. I then spotted a morbidly obese woman. She, too, was looking at me. She was aggressively stamping a beach towel all over her cheeks, neck and chest. She gave me a look of comiseration and acceptance, and slightly nodded her head – an “I understand,” perhaps. It was sweet and all but as far as I know, I’m not in the same category as this woman. I don’t have any health problems or addictions that would lead me to sweat like crazy. This sucks.

I’m sick of having to take ice cold showers as soon as I get in from my bike ride home; I’m sick of my hot face turning beet red; I’m sick of my ass sweating; I’m sick of my sweaty bangs morphing into a devil lock (well that one’s kind of cool, actually). I can’t wait for this heatwave to be over so I can go back to  being the attractive, moderately sweaty person I once was.



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Adventures In Birth Control Land

birthcI’ve been on the pill for two years and a few months. I originally got on it because I don’t want babies and hate condoms. If you’re in a committed relationship and both you and your partner have been tested, I would definitely recommend taking the pill as your preferred method of birth control. Wait, would I? Hmm. Let’s see here.

The pill is really good at one thing, and that’s not getting you pregnant. Other than that, it kind of sucks. A lot. The list of awful side effects is long, but here are the most common:

It makes you fat
The first thing I noticed was how much my boobs grew. This happened after a mere few days. I know that sounds awesome but they were all swollen and tender. It hurt when I put a bra on. Eventually, the pain went away and an unpleasant situation became an unexpected bonus. I realize how lucky I was, though. Some girls gain a lot more than just a little boobage. I read one lady’s story online about how one of her feet go so swollen that it busted a strap on her shoe! That sucks. And all that extra weight is a bitch to lose.

It kills your libido
This actually happened to most girls I know who’ve gotten on the pill, so beware. Your libido could potentially go from raging (Spring break in Cancun-style) to inexistent (nun in a convent-style). I felt my sex drive dwindling so I tried switching to a pill with a different hormone level, but the problem persisted. I kind of just live with it now. It’s ironic that I got on the pill in hopes of having more sex.

It doesn’t cure your cramps
When I was a teen, my doctor advised me to start taking the pill. I wasn’t even sexually active yet, but he claimed that an oral contraceptive would ease my horrible menstrual pain. Turns out that was a load of bullshit. Know what helps my cramps? Three Advils, a cup of tea and the fetal position. Not the pill.

It gives you insane mood swings
I have literally gone from laughing to crying my eyes out in less than a second. I cry when I eat the last Sausalito cookie in the bag, I cry when I watch Destiny’s Child videos and I hold tears back when I see adorable puppies. I’ve snapped at my mother for buying cheap toilet paper, when, at 24, I should be ecstatic she even buys me TP in the first place.

You’ll forget to take it
For the pill to be its most effective, you’re supposed to take it at the same time every day. Well, that’s almost impossible. One time, I forgot to take one. I googled it and found a website that said I should take two at once, to compensate for the one I missed. So I did that. A few hours later, areas that are usually dry began sweating uncontrollably and I had to fight a wave of severe nausea that kept trying to come over me. That was last New Year’s Eve. Needless to say, I didn’t have the best time. Thanks a lot, Internet.

Of course, I’m speaking from personal experience. You might not feel any of these side effects. You might be one of the lucky ones (I hate you). It’s gotten to the point where I kind of want to get off the topsy turvy roller coaster the pill has put me on, but I can’t bring myself to. It’s worked itself into my daily routine, but more importantly, I’ve never so much as had a slight pregnancy scare while on it. So I guess I’ll tough it out. For now, anyway.



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Summer Bummer: Stinky Soles

Matthew McConohey (whatever) and Luke Wilson look like smelly feet. I don’t mean that they look like they have smelly feet; I mean that their faces look like feet that are stinky. I could almost smell an odour reminiscent of sour milk or vinegar chips seeping out of their pores and through the TV screen.
That smell is the smell of summer feet: feet that have been walking around in flats all day.

Hot FeetFlats promised a world of fashionable yet painless shoes, allowing for maximum comfort without sacrificing style. Well first of all, they’re not really that comfortable – the soles are usually so thin that they offer little or no arch support. The impact caused by your heels hitting the ground kills your back. Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that the backs of these little shits cause fucking blisters that make walking nearly impossible. I can deal with all that, nothing a little band-aid can’t fix. What really boggles my mind is the amount of sweat and stink that my feet can produce when wearing flats.

Sometimes they get so sweaty that my foot slips inside the shoe – it can make you trip! But the smell, that pungent odour that seems impossible to eradicate, is what bothers me most. Sometimes I smell them from under my desk, and when it’s really bad, I swear I could smell them when I walk. It’s like there’s a stinky cloud floating above my soles. I’ve sprayed perfume on my feet & shoes because a trainee had to sit at my desk for a day. Never do that! The flowery scent of perfume mixed with the saltiness creates this sickly sweet aroma that permeates the air and makes the initial stench even more noticeable. That was definitely an awkward moment.

I’ve also noticed when your feet are particularly sweaty, if you walk on recently varnished hardwood floors, you will leave foot prints on the ground. How gross is that? It’s like concrete evidence that your feet are disgusting pieces of shit and the ultimate turn off to the opposite sex. It’s even worse if you’re invited somewhere and your have to take your shoes off. I have, on many occasions, ran to their bathroom and scrambled to shove my foot under the sink to wash out the smell.

I wish I could give you advice on how to avoid smelly summer feet, but I’m still doing research. Dr. Scholl’s Foot Powder works for a few hours and leaves a minty cool sensation on your feet. However it may leave streaks on your clothes or make you look like you applied bronzer but forgot to put it on your feet. Canvas soles apparently help the sweat factor. Other than that, you could try airing your feet when no one’s looking – but that might cause the smell to go airborne.

-Maria D

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Summer Bummer: Leg Rash

I don’t really hate summer; I just don’t think I can thrive during summer. There are several reasons why this season makes me cringe and grind my teeth, but I’ll discuss those in future posts. For now, I really have to bitch about my leg rash (commonly known as sweat rash).

The first time I noticed it was probably when it mattered most, in my late teens. This is when you (or maybe just me) stop dressing like a goth and realize that you have tits and legs and that guys might wanna makeout with you (yes, I hadn’t really made out ‘til my late teens). Instead of long, corseted dresses made of crushed velvet, I started wearing shorts, skirts and jeans. The shorts and skirts were and still are the real problem.

The friction between my thighs mixed with the heat and sweat creates these little red, unsightly bumps. They kind of look like diaper rash on babies’ asses. This rash is extremely uncomfortable and annoying. It makes you want to stop whatever you’re doing and slather on an entire Costco-sized bottle of moisturizer.

I thought that the rash occurred because my thighs were too fat (they are pretty big, I’m not gonna lie) – that’s why they rub against each other – but according to Yahoo Answers, your thighs are supposed to touch. When I started to type “are your thighs supposed to touch?” in the Google search bar, it actually filled out the rest of the sentence for me, so I guess this is a pretty common query.

But I digress; the real point of this post is to figure out if I am the only woman who suffers from sweat rashes. After much browsing, it appears that several men suffer from this condition, only they call it “jock rash”. None of my friends know what I’m talking about. I’ve tried sneaking a peak at girls wearing short shorts or minis but it’s kinda hard not looking like a perv. This rash has become a major handicap; if I wear shorts I have to minimize walking and if I wear pants, I have to die of heat. I’m at a loss. Summer has become a season I dread, the season that makes me think up lame excuses as to why I don’t want to walk around.

I’ve tried Gold Bond medicated powder; it alleviates the burning for a little while but doesn’t actually eliminate the rash. I’ve tried baby powder but I have to reapply every half hour and I always manage to somehow streak my clothes. I’ve tried zincofax (a cream for diaper rashes) but it leaves a white residue on my thighs. I’ve tried cutting leggings so that the region of my legs which rubs against itself is covered but that’s proven useless when I wanna wear shorts or a short skirt. My next endeavour is going to be applying deodorant to said region. For now, I have to stick with wearing shorts one day then pants the next in order to give the rash a chance to quell.

If there are any women out there who suffer from this horrible condition, please come forth. Stop hiding, stop pretending that the rash is “just an allergic reaction to a new cream” (I’ve used that one before), tell the world that you suffer from sweat rashes because your thighs rub against each other. Together we may be able to find a solution to this unbearable burning sensation, together we will finally be able to wear short shorts and walk long distances, together we will no longer fear spreading our legs without humiliation. Women with sweat rashes, unite!

-Maria D


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